Forgive Me

Forgive me for I have lost my faith,

Forgive me for not following my dreams instead I played it safe.

Forgive me for I did not put  out my best,

Forgive me for I doubted my ability to become a success.

Forgive me for not loving my family,

Forgive me for not remembering what I was put here to be.

Forgive me for not turning away your assistance,

Forgive me for not keeping my distance.

Forgive me for not being a role model,

Forgive me for not looking to you instead I looked to this bottle.

Forgive me for my infidelity,

Forgive me for not keeping my relationship with you healthy.

Forgive me for my disregard of love,

Forgive me for not trying to rise above.

Forgive me for not creating a way,

Forgive me for ignoring everything you would say.

Forgive me for wearing my heart on my sleeve,

Forgive me for not wanting to believe.

Forgive me for putting my faith in man,

Forgive me for not lending a helping hand.

Forgive me for crying through the pain,

Forgive me for quitting during the rain.

Forgive for I have sinned,

I hope you forgive them all before I am judged in the end. 

To Late For Us

In relationships there is that time where you may want it to keep going and you are fighting tooth an nail to reignite that spark but its just to late. The love or like you had for one another is no longer mutual. It hurts because you try to change your old habits to make them happy to prove that you are willing to make it work, yet your timing is just too late. You have to walk away but you feel if you do you’re somewhat giving up. When it’s to late there is nothing we can do to “arrive on time” so to speak. It’s not to say deep down you two still don’t care for one another but the fire and the love to be together has died down. This period is very painful because you still talk but the conversation changes, you still hangout but the chemistry is awkward and colder, and you still make have sex but with no emotion. When its to late…let it go.

You said you couldn’t do this any more,
I said what did you even do this for.
The fire we had no longer burns,
Our world we had together no longer turns.
We keep hinting we should re-unite,
But I don’t think we would spark the same light.
We used to have each other’s back,
The trust factor began to slack.
Deep down I don’t want to let you go,
But the questions that you used to say yes to now you are quick to say no.
Your hugs are not as warm, your kiss is not as sweet,
You don’t have that look in your eyes when we meet.
I thought you were frustrated when you said you were through,
I did not think you would leave me alone. What was I suppose to do?
At times I would like to see us back as one,
I loved it when we used to watch the rise and fall of the sun.
But I understand you feel it’s a dead end with you and I,
Me telling you I feel the same would be a lie.
Our friends are telling us we made a mistake,
Please prove them right for God’s sake.
Last time we met you said you loved me,
But the way things were yesterday, today just couldn’t be.
I told you I wanted the best for us,
You told me to let it go, it was to late for us.

Giving Up

We get those times in our lives where we question what we are doing. Those times where we really have to take a step back and re-evaluate the man in the mirror. And when I do, I sometimes want to give up. I’m speaking candidly. There are several times where I just want to quit. I get to that edge where my back gets weak from the pressure and I want to give it all back. Then you hear, “You cant give up. You must stay strong. It will get better.” How do you know? You are not walking in my shoes. That’s why I want to know, How do you know something is worth it? Why would I keep pushing? I have wanted to quit, but I could not tell you the reason why I haven’t. Will this so called motivation last? Or will I finally get weary and break?? What’s worth the pain, grief, the tears, & the struggle?

I’m ready to give up,
I’m at the point to hang it up.
I’m about to quit,
Because I don’t think this is worth it.
My path is not riding toward succeeding.
My motivation for this is leaving,
They say, “You know success does not come easy.”
But when I wanted to move forward, no one supported me.
So now I feel empty and stuck,
I’m out of faith and out of luck.
I could really use somebody right about now,
The pressure got me in this corner breaking down.
My grasp is getting weaker,
My pain is getting deeper.
You try, You dream, & You Pray,
My eyes get sore from crying day by day.
I gave you all of this,
And you gave me nothing but shit.
When I tried to be somebody,
You turned me down as if I were a nobody.
So you win,
I quit now before I make it to the end.
Here take it I don’t want it anymore,
I couldn’t even tell you what I did it for.

Downfall

They say no one can stay at the top forever. However the obstacles they overcome will keep them from the bottom. What will keep us from either ever getting to the top or falling from the top and not being able to re-gain the greatness again? I believe it was very essential to all of our idols and the greats of the world. Their downfall came when they could no longer could bounce back from the obstacles they overcame to get to the top. Your downfall…will it come soon or do you still have some fight left in you?

My downfall will come soon,
And they say success comes only once every blue moon.
My downfall will come due to greed and envy,
The two things most prevalent in my community.
It will all end due to lack of faith,
What I believe in still won’t keep me safe.
My road ends because I quit,
I had enough and can’t take this shit.
It ends because I did not prepare,
I couldn’t take it not being fair.
My fall to the bottom will be due to my lack of motivation,
I wanted it but it was all this damn hesitation.
All of this goes down the drain because I believed in man,
I did not distinguish the rocks from the sand.
My fall from grace will be due to lack of confidence,
I played defense due to the lack of courage to play offense.
My run will be over because I couldn’t fight the pain,
As a result it drove me insane.
My downfall will come for me one day,
I just hope its not today.

Love/Hate Me

Love me for giving my best,
Hate me for doubting your success.
Love me for being there when you needed me,
Hate me for not being there for my family.
Love me for making it through the tough time,
Hate me for caring about nothing but mine.
Love me for creating ways for us to eat,
Hate me for not letting you take a seat to eat.
Love me because I was always there,
Hate me because I told you I did not care.
Love me for placing our lives into motion,
Hate me for not showing you the proper emotion.
Love me for being a man,
Hate me for not lending you a hand.
Love me for carrying you through the pain,
Hate me because I left you alone in the rain.
Love me for holding you when you cried,
Hate me for lying saying I tried.
Love me for never letting go,
Hate me for never letting you grow.
Love me through thick an thin,
Hate me...well I hope you don't in the end.

Love Don't Love Me Back

Love….???!!! Powerful term. Some say we use it to loosely, while some say we don’t use it enough. But have you ever felt, what you love does not love you back?? You put your heart on the line yet it gave you nothing in return. It just confuses me that if “what you put in you get out,” then why do we not get our “return on investment”. I don’t get it. I figured I would avoid love as much as possible because love is pain and pain…I rather not have. Some would say I’m to harsh and to cold. But could you blame me?? I am speaking from a perspective of someone who has lost everything I have ever loved from friends to family to dreams. Does that mean I must still try to find love or will it ever find me? Because as of right now I rather it not come my way. I was not aware that love was suppose to be painful. I thought your enemies bring you that not love. I don’t expect people to share my same perspective, however think about what you have loved and lost and ask yourselves “did Love, Love me back?” I applaud anyone who still believes and works towards finding love. I just don’t know if its worth it…

Everything I have ever loved I’ve lost,
Tying to get to happiness, I’m paying a hell of a cost.
I have cried, bleed, and breathed pain,
It’s building up and I think I’m going insane.
Where is the love?
The lack there of is holding me to where I can’t rise above.
I loved basketball,
But yet high school through college the coaches made the wrong call.
I had love for Chris,
But he was murdered, instead of a gun he only had his fist
I had love for Cam,
But he got jealous and turned on me…DAMN.
I loved being “Mr. Popular”, I loved the spotlight,
But they turned off my light, and left me in the night..
I loved my mother and father,
They were taken away due to murder.
I had love for my city,
But when my parents died, you posed for the cameras and showed fake pity.
I have love for my family,
But sometimes I get the feeling my family don’t love me.
Love…just leave me be,
You have already left me with nothing cant you see.
I hit my knees screaming LOVE??? Where is mine??
Do you love me?? If not…FINE!!
Runaway love and never come back,
Because when I love you, you never love me back.

Alone

Society tells us that being alone is bad for our health. People who are loners are looked down upon. They say love from another is something that will make you happy forever, and friendship is very healthy for our well being. What’s wrong with being alone? I was raised as the only child, and I learned how to be comfortable being alone. My father use to always say, “Men are treacherous, women are deceitful, so who are you left with?” So who are you left with?? Just YOU and your higher power, that’s it!!! I’m not taking anything away from those who have found true love or great friendship, I’m saying SOMEONE else can’t make YOU happy. If family, friends, and lovers are all suppose to be healthy why is there so much deceit within a family? Why are there so many good friendships that go bad due to envy? Why are the divorce rates so high if being in love is healthy?? To me, those situations sound like pain and grief. As a young black man trying to make it, pain and grief are already on my plate I don’t need more! Remember NO ONE CAN HELP YOU BETTER THAN YOU!

I stand alone,
Refusing to reply to emails or answer the phone.
Alone is where I think the best,
When I’m alone, no friends, no family, no stress.
Alone is where I can just be me,
I won't have to be judged by friends or my family.
I move alone disregarding friendship because its overrated,
One minute you can be best friends and the next you can be the most hated.
I refuse to search for true love,
Because I hate pain and pain is love.
Alone is where I can stare and dream into space.
By myself I can ignore the worlds time because I’m at my own pace.
By myself is where I feel I can win,
Around people I feel like the walls begin to cave in.
Alone is how you left me,
After the smoke cleared no one was there to help me.
The thought of being alone puts me at ease,
I don’t want your company…so please.
I stay alone to hide from society’s ways,
To prevent relationships, I cut communication off for 3-5 days.
I was born the same way I will leave,
My mother’s only child who wears his heart on his sleeve.
So here I stand… alone,
At my funeral they will say, “He did it on his own.”

No Limits

Today I don’t want to give an explanation or a commentary about the theme today. Today I want you to just sit back and think as if you have NO LIMITS!! Whatever it is you could do, what you want to do, or even what you want to become just think about it. In this process there are no obstacles! There are NO LIMITS!!!

Live today like tomorrow does not exist,
Chase your dreams as if that’s all there is.
Love him/her as if you will always be together,
Savor the moment as if it will last forever.
Dream as if there is nothing else to do,
Talk to others as if YOU were talking to YOU.
Laugh as if a frown could cruse your face,
Experience things as if there was no such thing as one place.
Hold them as if you will never get another chance.
Learn as if knowledge was your only chance.
Believe as if doubt couldn’t be,
Become a visionary as if there was nothing you couldn’t see.
Battle pain as if it would lead to paradise.
Take chances as if you were rolling a pair of dice.
Use preparation as if it had a life time warranty,
Think of ideas as if there was no such thing as quainty.
Become great as if you had no other choice,
Speak your mind as if you had the only voice.
Pray long as if there was no such thing as time,
Keep pushing as if there were no such thing as a stop sign.
Be courageous as if bravery will full fill your needs,
A man who follows can one day be a man who leads.

Happy Valentine's Day

Her touch is the cure to my pain,

Her voice is the instrumental to my favorite song.

Her love is the air I cherish,

She cares for me even when Im wrong.

She never doubts my dreams,

When she holds me I feel protected from the outside world.

When she kisses me, my lips become bias only to hers.

I never imagined holding someone and never wanting to let go,

Everyday I see her, her beauty amazes me.

When I look into her eyes I see a place that I never want to leave.

When she hugs me, it makes coldest winter feel like a Texas summer,

The bed gets cold and empty when she is not there.

I have nightmares when I sleep alone,

Yet when she lays next to me I dream of paradise.

I get chills when her soft skin is pressing against mine,

And her long soft hair flows across the pillow like an ariel view of a beautiful island.

My heart skips a beat when I see her smile,

My body gets weak when she tells me she loves me.

When she lays in my arms I feel like I have the world in my hands,

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that its real.

I hope the angles don’t take her away from me without taking me along,

I could not see myself functioning properly without her here next to me. 

If she could give me her heart,

In return I will give her all of me.

Together forever is all I want,

Take my hand...Please don’t let go. 

Thank You

I think the practice of thanking people has gone into oblivion as of late. I believe we are taking that for granted. Trust me when I tell you, if some one helps you that means they care somewhat because remember this: NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO HELP YOU!! Everyone has problems. That’s a rough lesson even I had to learn. But today I wanted to take the time to just thank the people who have helped me get to where I am after the loss of my parents. I wanted to do this because if I were to die today I could feel at peace knowing that the people who helped me realize I am extremely grateful. Today when you get a chance, just thank at least two people you know for a fact that without them Lord knows where you would be. Trust me there are not going to be a lot of them so the few you have appreciate them.

A couple of years ago they said I wasn’t going to make it this far,
Hell to be honest, I did not think I would make it this far.
You can call it faith maybe even luck,
There were a handful of people who helped me when I thought I was stuck.
I want to thank Mr. & Mrs. P,
You took me in and encouraged me to embrace NYC,
I will be forever thankful for Bill Brewer and his wife Skye.
You guys saved me when I thought I was going to die.
Anita, I don’t know how much I can thank you,
Through my crazy hardheaded moods, you told me what I needed to do instead of what I wanted to do.
I want to thank Sheila Coates for giving me the confidence to become my own brand,
I’m grateful for you showing me support and lending a hand.
Thank you to my two sisters and brother
We keep pushing even though we lost our father.
I am deeply in love and thankful for my Flint Family,
Even though I’m not around much you guys still stick with me.
Thank you AJ, Nu, Keith, and Sha,
You were all there by my side crying with me on that terrible day.
I want to thank Roanoke College for changing me into a well rounded man,
4 years of hard grueling work and now here I stand.
Thank you Aunt GiGi,
You been there since day one and RIP to Mrs. Mattie.
Cant forget my big cousin Le Toya, thank you,
With you and Rob I finally found somebody I can relate to.
Before I take my last step or breathe my last breath,
I wanted to show my appreciation…Now… I am ready for death.

Hold On

I know these are trying times for a lot of people. People are out of a job, salaries have been cut, bills are higher, and the list goes on. I understand that during these times if something else were to happen in your life outside of the dysfunction world we live in, it could make things worst. For example the death of a loved one, the birth of your first child yet you don’t have the money to take care of it, or even the basic fact that you just don’t think you can handle all the stress placed on you by your job and/or your social environment. I can’t lie and say things are all gravy on my end either. They are far from it. But WE got to hold on. We can’t loose our grip on what our focus is. When I say focus, it does not have to mean getting rich or being the next top model. It can be just to make it to tomorrow. Your focus could be just to survive. We can’t loose our grip no matter how intricate our focus may be. I’m right here with you. Trust me because there are days where I’m like, “I won’t be able to take this much longer. I quit”. No matter how rough the road gets or how dark the skies become we MUST HOLD ON.

I know your tired of crying,
Your tired of everybody lying.
Times are getting rough,
And you want to quit because this is too much.
Hold on…
I know how it feels when it seems no one cares,
You try to make it better through all your prayers.
Trying to work, go to school, and you just had your first kid,
But you have to raise it alone, your baby daddy had to do a bid.
Hold on…
I feel your pain when it seems you have no one to talk to,
You feel all the pressure and weight of the world is on you.
I understand you miss your loved one who passed,
Now you got a little money but you don’t know how you going to make it last.
Hold on…
I know your angry your not where you want to be,
Everybody’s complaining about you and you cant seem to get along with your family.
Your money is short but your bills are rising and rent is due,
You are trying your hardest but you don’t think you can pull through.
Hold on…
Hold my hand when you found out your best friend was shot,
Cry on my shoulder when everyone told you, “You COULD NOT”.
Lean on me when everyone left you alone,
You got this…Just hold on!!

Race Against Time

In our race against time, we scratch and pull for every second and every minute. I always wanted to know…what are we racing against? Time? We can’t out run time. As times move on and things change, our patience has gotten smaller and smaller. Instead of using time to our advantage we try to compete with it. As a result, we get discouraged when time becomes a determent to our plans or dreams. Think about yourself. You want it all right now. There is not enough time in a day for you because you want to do so much today. I can concur. I’m guilty of the same crime. But once again, what are we racing against? Some will say well what if I die tomorrow? Well if that was your fate, you were going to do that anyway even if you had 30 hours in a day. Time is a valuable thing. It is not meant to be raced against. Its meant to be cherished.

Lord come and save me,
Time is of the essence and I’m going crazy.
I’m running out of time,
It seems you are taking care of everybody else but mine.
I still got to get my mother the new Benz,
I got to give my dad money so he can hold on to his end.
My girl said she leaving if I don’t straighten up,
Where is the time? Its just not enough.
My aunt complaining I haven’t called her on the phone,
I’m catering to everybody else but I cant even hold my own.
I can feel it coming so fast,
I’m sprinting but I cant seem to outrun my past.
I smell it in the air,
What happen to my time? Wait this is not fair.
All my life I have hit my knees with my head to the sky,
I called on him, Yes HIM, THE MOST HIGH.
To block that hurricane of grief,
And provide me with a sunray of relief.
Hurry up my time is ticking,
I don’t want to be chosen, I want to be the one picking.
Provide me with the protection you gave him,
Quickly, give me the wings to fly away like you gave them.
Damn…I ran out of time,
All I wanted was some peace of mind.

We...

We live to die,

We lie to get by.

We steal because we cant afford,

We act accordingly, to be judged by our Lord.

We cry because we can’t take it,

We quit because we can’t make it.

We try, to prevent mediocrity

We believe in truth, to prevent hypocrisy.

We write, to express,

We pray, to one day be a success.

We walk, to one day run,

We teach, to prepare our daughter or son.

We feel, the pain and grief,

We extend our arms, to grab relief.

We love, to avoid being alone.

We hate, because we know we will die alone.

We come together as one, because we are family.

We idolize, because thats what we want to be.

We hide our feelings, to seem brave,

We follow our predecessors on the road they pave.

We battle the thought and action of sin,

We start anew...in the end.

Slippin'

Do you ever feel like your slipping?? I mean you have a grasp on what you want, yet your grip is becoming weaker and weaker. It could be from loosing the handle on your relationship to your dreams waning away in the distance. We tell ourselves, “Don’t slip up. Get it together. Cant afford to go backwards.” After all that pep talk and motivation why do we still sometimes loose our grip? To many of us have failed at something not because we couldn’t do it or because it was above our level of thinking, but simply because we lost our grip. We slipped. How do we prevent from slipping when our objective is RIGHT THERE???

My legs are getting weak,
My dreams are becoming bleak.
I have nightmares on a regular basis,
I cant stop seeing their faces.
My hands are holding on but my grip is slipping away,
The thought of me failing is increasing day by day.
They say no struggle no progress,
But my progress is such a struggle I cant see success.
My knees are getting sore from all the prayer,
Life is a game but I’m not a major player.
I’m suppose to carry my family’s name,
I try and try but the end result is the same.
My father told me I would be great,
My mother told me if I ever wanted to start over it was never to late.
The motivation to succeed is lacking,
The foundation my family built is cracking.
The love I had for all of this is leaving me,
Battling with the world, I’m lacking the victory.
My eyes are becoming to heavy to open,
My thoughts are at quitting rather than hoping.
Someone throw me a life line I‘m on my way down,
I’m slippin’…catch me before I drown.

Why??

I was always told if you wanted to know something just ask. In my younger days, I used to be a little nervous to ask questions. I thought that was lame. I felt if you wanted to know something, you had to find out yourself and if you couldn’t then it must not have been that important. Obviously that was the wrong mindset. But now as I have grown into a young man, I have a couple of questions to get off my chest. Personally I am confused about certain things that we go through everyday yet no one can seem to find the answers. I don’t know about you, but waking up everyday to a puzzle you may never put together is not my cup of tea. Pardon my frustration, but I’m tried of not knowing. Not knowing=nonstop pain and disappointment! Bad Equation!

Why do we make out loved ones cry?
Why, to the one’s closets to us, we lie?
Why do we kill our own?
Why do we not all have a safe & peaceful home?
Why do we hate?
Why cant we predict our fate?
Why is there a hidden envy within a family?
Why cant we agree…I mean we are FAMILY!
Why cant we let the lost souls rest in peace?
Why over money the nicest person turns into a beast?
Why does she have sex at such a young age?
Why in the book of life we have trouble turning the page?
Why when we loose a loved one we curse the sky?
Why are we always too late to say our last good-bye?
Why does a woman cheat?
Why does a man feel he deserves the head seat?
Why do we take love for granted?
Why do we try to dig up a seed that’s already planted?
Why does Love equal pain?
Why does the thought of being alone drive us insane?
Why cant your dreams come true?
Why did they break up…they said, “I DO”?
Why is it sometimes we feel we wont make it?
Why is it that with all the pressure we feel we cant take it?
Why do I pour my hear out through this pen?
My last question is Lord why did you take Rufus and Lynn?

Dedication to All Mothers

Pardon my tears on this one. I know this is not mother’s day but I want to dedicate this to all the mothers. They sacrifice so much for us that we sometimes take it for granted. A lot of them are raising kids by themselves and still standing strong. I know some of you may not be close with your mother but please realize a mother will ALWAYS have a connection with her child no matter the circumstance. And I know sometimes she can be a little worrisome, but trust me when I tell you there is NO love like the love from a mother. For those of you who have lost your mother like I did, just patiently wait for the day you can finally reunite with her. Today, I want you to just tell them you love them, hug them, and kiss them because trust me before you know it they may not be here. Please do something I did not get a chance to do.

First off I want to thank you,
For loving me undeniably even through the pain I caused you.
You put your life on the line to have me,
You sacrificed almost everything because you always wanted the best for me.
When you held me it was like a touch I never felt,
When I got out of line you made sure I felt that belt.
As a kid you used to tell me I would be great,
Every time I needed you, you were always on time and never late.
When I would cry, I reached to you for help,
And you always put me first even before yourself.
When I was being silly and telling those lies,
It really hurt you and I could tell when I looked into your eyes.
You taught me how to treat a lady,
But you told me no matter who I dated I was always your baby.
You knew it was hard being a black man,
But whenever I would begin to slip you would grab my hand.
When times got hard, you would hug me and tell me everything will be okay,
And I knew we would be because every night I saw you pray.
I still remember the call and your last words were you loved me,
You always remembered to tell me that, and that’s why you will forever be my #1 lady.