Talking to Myself

Wonder if my pen will one day speak to who I cater to,
Writing my pain yet not knowing if that is what I was meant to do.
Back and forth with the idea of running away,
Although I pray, my nightmares haunt me where I lay.
Will this writing be my destiny,
Will I be able to be in peace amongst my family?
All alone in a place where everybody cries,
Crowded by souls who like me did not get a chance to say their last goodbyes.
Will this pain reach the ears of an angel or a lost spirit like mine,
Will this agony finally heal in due time?
But what will I be without my pain,
What would the weather be like without rain?
Could I cope in a world of mystery,
Could I even get anyone to listen to me?
Through this pad could I live my dream,
Will my loud pain eventually turn into a soft scream?
One day will I be able to sleep in serenity,
With a mind and soul as free as a new born baby?
We honor those who battle grief and pain,
So I guess I will keep it because by the looks of it, its my only lane.

Listen to My Pen

Eyes full of tears complaining about the hand I was dealt,
I feel like the dealer did not care how I felt.
Being young people try to convince me it will get better,
So with this painful pen, I will write pain a letter.
I’m going out of my mind,
Needing to focus on one thing instead of trying to juggle five.
Not fearing death as much as I fear chance,
If I don’t get a grip this could be my last chance.
So many people say they love you,
But when the agony sets in and your all alone what will those who love you do?
Praying my soul gets saved,
I’m losing my grip on this road my father paved.
God I miss my father,
I couldn’t tell you how bad I would like to hug my mother.
I’m losing my balance and cant keep going on,
I’m suppose to get a grip right? I need to hold on.
When fear takes over you seek comfort and the idea someone will be there,
Yet I feel the fear rising without the comfort and no one is here!
What is the remedy to the pain we endure,
Do I still have to suffer even if my heart is pure.
Tears have trouble falling because I refuse to let them appear,
So far gone, yet my past, I still feel it near.
Will my mother be proud, did she have to go,
Lord why couldn’t my father see me grow?

Help...

In my room all alone wishing I was somewhere far away,
Feeling the pain increasing each and every day.
I hit my knees in tears sending my prayers to the sky,
Feeling like they haven’t been answered, so I wander around in hell just to get by.
My soul cries out for a helping hand,
You can see it in my eyes that I’m falling apart as a young man.
No one to talk to so I converse with my reflection,
If you could see inside my soul you may change your perception.
Living like I have no where to go and my only turn is for the worst,
You may say my life is a gift and I will disagree and reply it’s a curse.
Staring out my window while this pen depicts my pain,
A lost mind needs to be found before it is dubbed sane.
Wishing I can leave all this behind,
Yet my past wont let me go and keeps polluting my mind.
Losing confidence in myself because maybe I’m not cut out for success,
But if I don’t make it, will family love me any less?
I’m going out of my mind trying find a way to cope,
And its depressing when talking to yourself seems to be the only way to cope.
Death begins to smell good at this table,
Life seems to be out of blessings so agony and death are the only two available.
I would ask for help but I rather you pray for me,
Look deep in my eyes and tell me what you see.
Do you see a young man who everyone seems to think is strong,
Or do you see a broken down soul that’s barley holding on.
God if you read this please take heed to my plea,
Help me before I become something I don’t want to be.

Beautiful Ugly

Would you still think highly of me if you found out my past,
Would you want to be my friend if you found out my friendships never last?
What would you think if you found out I suffer from depression,
Would you still think I was cool or would you change your perception?
What if I told you every time I let people get to know me they run away,
Would you stop to speak or keep walking and have nothing to say?
If I boast and brag to prove something to myself,
Would you keep me company or leave me by myself?
If I told you the pain has made me afraid of you,
Would you still hold me like you used to?
If I told you everything I have ever loved has been taken away from me,
Would you still want to get to know me?
If you knew at times I can be socially awkward which is why I lock myself in my room alone,
Could I ask you to hold my hand if I ever decided to go home?
If my insecurities begin to show and become real clear,
Would you runway or could I depend on you to help me fight my fear?
If I told you I was ready to die,
Would you pray that God makes a place for me in the sky.
My beautiful ugly is my reflection when you look into my eyes,
Would you tell me if it was ugly or tell me all lies?

Save Me...

Voices in my head lead me into the painful night,
My prayers get longer because I’m not living this short life right.
The pressure is getting to me,
I did not ask for this, this is not what I wanted to be.
Born into a world of sin and raised in a community of stress,
Its hard for others to understand your grief when they think your blessed.
Days go by and I still feel like I’m running in place,
Although they say life is not a competition, I‘m losing the race.
Surrounded by crowds of people, I feel all alone,
I’m calling a place home, where I don’t belong.
The hands of grief touch my soul and warm it with pain,
Now when you look into my eyes all you see is 24 years of stress and strain.
They keep telling me God will make it okay,
Until then this pen, pad, and these white walls are all I have to make it go away.
Everybody wants to give advice, but I don’t want to hear,
Friends and family want to console me but I don’t want them near.
I’m falling victim to my past,
Felling like my relationship with the most high may not last.
My knees are getting weak, my hands are losing grip on what we call life,
Happiness divorced me and now I sleep with strife.
I cry out to the sky, Do You Hear My Plea,
Please if you do…save me from me.

Destiny...??

Curled up in a corner wondering if it will ever end,
Trying to walk with God, yet I keep running into sin.
The thought of quitting becomes my bitter rival,
While the fight for peace of mind is my way of survival.
Dreams become bad memories,
Yet I battle the grief not for me but for my family.
I'm feeling so distant,
Scared to ask, but I could really use some assistance.
The pressure begins to build rapidly,
And I still cant seem to answer why me?
Worry turns into fear,
While I feel my time to leave is so near.
My past haunts my polluted mind,
And I’m still searching for something I will never find.
The rosary around my neck no longer gives me hope,
Dwelling on the pain seems my only remedy to cope.
All alone staring at the white ceilings,
Sometimes staring does nothing, but today it was a wonderful feeling.
Sleeping with pain and dreaming of hate,
I run to meet the blessings yet I always arrive late.
Although silent, my eyes speak scream loudly,
The dream of becoming at peace is becoming cloudy.
Blessed with the pain and cursed with the pressure,
Will my destiny be painful or pleasure?

Watching Me

Covered with the devil’s ink writes a holy message,
I tried calling on God but he did not pick up so I left a message.
In the mean time I play Russian roulette with failure and success,
While I fight off nightmares that my best wont separate me from the rest.
As depression begins to creep in,
I beg for forgiveness in a world of sin.
The words from the Good Book are no longer giving me peace of mind,
Life is not a race but I feel like I’m running out of time.
Headphones in my ears to drown out the voices in my head,
“One of those voices could be God talking”, is what the priest said.
As the idea of love beings to fade away,
Pain beings to increase deep into my soul day by day.
For help I reach to the sky,
Yet I come up empty and cant seem to know why.
Feeling like my prayers are landing on deaf ears,
Everyday I feel like an outcast amongst my own peers.
My tears fall into a ocean of pain
While the river of hope flows up my creek to help me maintain.
Although it gets harder to live without them,
I try to dine with peace amongst the mayhem.
All I would like is to hear my mother tell me she misses me,
And for my father tell me he is proud of me.
The point of peace I may not ever make,
But the comfort of knowing they are watching me, I will take.

What Will I Find

I wonder if I’m misunderstood,
Does my bad take away from my good?
I decided to drink to take away the pain,
When all I was thirsty for was a mind that was sane.
Voices in my head telling me to run away,
At confession, the priest looked me in my eyes and told me to pray the pain away.
My best friend walked out on me, and if he only knew I was his biggest fan.
The girl I liked stopped calling, I think she did not understand.
I’m losing touch with my family,
But they will understand right? They love me?!
Wonder what makes us want something that leaves us all alone,
Where you begin to think friendship doesn’t exist and everybody around you is gone.
Maybe its me who is the problem,
Maybe a nuisance is what I have become.
As I curl up alone in my room, my good memories begin to escape me fast,
Its like I’m running forward but cant seem to escape the past.
At night I hit my knees pleading for a better day,
I try to escape my crowded mind, all alone where I lay.
Still trying to search for that peace of mind,
Yet, I fear what I may find.

Goodbye

One day I felt something, if it was special I don’t know but I felt something,

The next day you switched it up and left me with nothing.

We were back and forth with the texting and calling,

You weren't, but I was falling.

In my own way I tried to show you I care,

The gifts were not to show off but to show you I thought we made a great pair.

The pain I had would subside when I talked to you,

But you began slipping away...what was I suppose to do?

Its like you weren't the same,

So I ask..were you serious or was this just a game?

Or maybe I fell for you to fast,

Maybe I hoped through it all we would last.

I mean you said you felt the same way,

Then why did you walk away!?

Were my jokes not funny,

Did I not have enough money?

Did you not have a good time?

Was I not interesting enough to stay on your mind?

I would be a lie if I said I don’t miss your face,

Our feelings were obviously not in the same place.

I hope in him you find what you didn’t see in me,

And you two turn out to be exactly what you wanted to be.

I guess what we had was all a lie,

So since you didn’t say it I will.. GOODBYE! 

Better Me

I sleep with determination while quitting knocks,
I wear hard work for shoes and faith for socks.
So when I walk my steps are guided,
Rather than walking on a path that is one sided.
Failure whispers sweet nothings in my ear,
Yet my perseverance out speaks the fear.
I listen to your criticism of my personality,
But how can you criticize one’s own individuality.
She doubted I was a good man,
While he doubted if the man I had become would ever lend a helping hand.
When you were warm inside, I learned struggle out in the cold,
Yet I promised my mother I would never fold.
The temptation of anger itches my tongue to truly speak my mind,
However a man of few words is one of a kind.
I firmly grasp the idea of pain with my right hand,
While I repeatedly shout “YES I CAN”.
My triumph is my dessert after I dine with disappointment,
Then I scheduled happiness for a life time appointment.
My darkest days have become my brightest lessons,
While my failures have become my biggest blessings.
As my mind races to catch up with my destiny,
I dream of the day I finally become the better me.

Trying To Get Past The Past

The past wont let you move,
You try to dance with potential but it seems to have its own groove.
Your feelings have become numb due to the pain,
Sunny days come and go but you seem to always remember the rain.
The higher you go, the mountain gets steeper,
The more you think, the hurt gets deeper.
Your awkward social life becomes hard for others to cope with,
Your selfishness leaves you alone to bond with.
Your heart beats rapidly when making tough decisions,
Palms sweaty, legs shaking, and you don’t know who to listen out of all the voices.
The woman you adore you feel wont understand,
Like the others she will leave and find a simpler man.
Your head throbs when deciding the next step,
You being scared of life is a secret very well kept.
Because you boost and brag to hide your fears,
You wear dark shades in the night to hide your tears.
You walk amongst friends has if they were your enemies,
You seem distant around love ones as if there is no chemistry.
Due to a set back you doubt your ability to progress,
You say you don’t worry but your eyes say your stressed,
You break down when your all alone,
When all you really want is to go home.
Your past haunts you, your present deceives you,
Ian wake up, tomorrow is a new you.

A Wonderful Painful Story

The pressure got me nervous,
And when I try to reach God, I cant seem to get service.
The pillows of nightmares is where I lay my head,
Love was taken, so I inherited grief instead.
The darkness became my guiding light,
And the struggle to keep faith turns into my spiritual fight.
The time passes away along with sunny days,
Although I tried to be careful I always reverted back to my reckless ways.
Alone in this room I contemplate my inevitable demise,
Wondering if the preacher will tell the truth about me or will his sermon be all lies.
The chip on my shoulder gets a little heavy yet I wear it with pride,
The tears I cry and the dreams I have never seem to coincide.
The cold wind of misery knocks on my door,
Although I try not let it in, it always ends up camping out on my floor.
The doubt of my peers makes me covet hate,
Yet , love, hate’s sister, has tried to sneak in as of late.
Bags of baggage, hats of nightmares, and clothes of grief,
I carry and wear knowing my fashion is my relief.
I take a step into a world of uncertainty and deception,
If you think my life is sweet, you may have the wrong perception.
Through it all, these tears turn into glory,
And these painful words turn into a wonderful story,.

Wish I Never Met Her

She deceived me,
She led me to believe something that was never meant to be.
The things she told me made me feel I was the one,
During my darkest days, she shined like the sun.
She gave me hope that maybe I would buy into her ways,
The things I adored about her went away like the days.
My friends told me I needed her, my family said the same,
But she comes with baggage and her “MO” is all a game.
Before we met I heard she was the type everyone searches for,
When people meet her they apparently wanted more.
So I eventually approached her with my best convo,
But I got the vibe she was dangerous from the “get-go”.
However all the things I heard I wanted to have for myself,
Turned out I wasn’t her type and she left me by myself.
Her persuasive ways gave me a delusional state of mind,
She had me searching for something that I couldn’t find.
Now she has made me so cold, I’m scared to see her again,
The idea of her was a blessing, yet dealing with her seemed to be a deadly sin.
She was beautifully ugly, with her addictive personality,
She can make you feel that with her there is a such thing as immortality.
Her name is Love,
She walks with Hell’s soldiers and flies with Heaven’s angels above.
Love, your ways deceive us, yet you claim you exists amongst us all,
Yet when I reached for you…why did you let me fall?

My Beautiful Pain

Pain tap dances on my soul to the sound of my heart’s cry,
I imagine hell while I climb to the stars in the sky.
Being misunderstood has become the norm,
During clod nights, grief’s jacket keeps me warm.
Don’t have many friends because I fear those,
So I cry on my own shoulder thru the highs and lows.
The girl I like will probably not stay,
Due to my cold love another guy is better for her anyway.
What I use to call home is now a forbidden place,
Wonder if searching for another is just a waste.
As I sit at the table amongst life’s painful company,
I sleep alone, so misery doesn’t love company.
My knees have lost feeling from so much prayer,
Its hard when you cant seem to find someone who genuinely cares.
Back and forth debating on what’s wrong and right,
Arguing with your soul turns into a soulful fight.
Days go by while it gets harder to cope,
All I have left is this chip on my shoulder and hope.
Forgive me Lord for being so cold,
But the warmth of love pushed me away, so I purchased anger and feelings…I sold.
Welcome to my beautiful pain,
To you it may seem crazy but… its how I maintain.

A Winner's Motto

The thought of success becomes my natural high,
When I feel down I turn my world upside down so I can walk on the sky.
Sometimes I swear people don’t understand,
But at the same time, I inhale the wind of change to become a better man.
Mistakes become achievements,
While love and sacrifice turn into grievances.
Realizing that the pain comes before success,
I take most of it in, and save the rest.
I look failure in its eyes,
As we stare each other down, I contemplate its demise.
Although the dark sometimes overcomes the light,
Always remember stars shine better at night.
This road is going to a bitter yet tasteful encore,
Yet I wonder if the bitter part will be my encore?
So I prepare with my armor of faith, my sword of determination,
My shoes of achievement and my cup of glory for the celebration,.
Although during the journey my feet may get weary, I may even slip and almost fall,
However no matter what, I will move forward even if I have to crawl.
Bank on me to stumble,
But bet on me to never crumble.
Winners may not always win the game,
But after a loss a winner will never be the same.

Do Tell

Tell failure I got his messages but I’m not willing to meet,
Tell greatness I know its limited space but save me a seat.
Tell my mother her baby boy feels crowded but still sleeps alone,
Tell March 10th she is the reason why I don’t like picking up the phone.
Tell society that what he teaches is almost never right,
Tell the future to come a little closer because its out of sight.
Tell my father I will forever try to make him proud,
Tell temptation could she lower her voice because she is talking to loud.
Tell pain to leave me be,
Tell love to uncover my eyes so I can see.
Tell stress that he was so common, she was my number one excuse,
Tell writing she has become the substance I abuse.
Tell fear that I can feel her grip,
Tell the cup of sanity if I could just take one sip.
Tell money that he has become my beautiful ugly motive,
Tell my past to let me be free, right now she has me captive.
Tell your tongue to speak on what you have to say,
Tell friendship that it switched up on me back in the day.
Tell God if he would show me a sign I promise I would take the time to read,
Tell success if she could show me how to succeed.
Tell death I escaped it once but yet still felt her effect,
Tell to whom it may concern I may slip you mind but I hope you never forget.

Worst Than You

These days get longer and these nights get colder,
You keep praying but it doesn’t seem your getting any stronger.
Feeling distant from your friends and family,
Its getting harder to be what you want to be.
Your heart bleeds for comfort, yet you are scared to get let down,
So instead you stay alone in silence when your heartbeat is the only sound.
As your mind races to find answers, the pain seems to heavy to bare,
Yet the pastor is telling you to stay strong… but who is he to care.
The pastor cant fell your pain,
He doesn’t know how it feels to live in the rain.
Now at night you go to sleep scared of the next day,
Drowning in music, while ignoring everything someone has to say.
They told you to hold on, it takes time to heal,
But time obviously doesn’t know how you feel.
Your tears are becoming the way you talk,
While your pain is becoming the way you walk.
Your knees are sore from all the prayer to the sky,
So you live aloof so you will never have to say another good bye.
Nightmares are becoming nothing but regular dreams,
Realizing, as the pressures weighs in, nothing is as bad as it seems.
The you hear a whisper.. “If you only knew”,
Somebody is dong worst than you.

Letter to My Father

Hey daddy, thought I stop by, haven’t talked to you in a while,
With you gone I still have those days where its hard to smile.
You used to always tell me I was on the road to success,
Yet sometimes I get lost and forget to give my best.
But even with the mistakes and the days that seem too dark,
Somehow I always find the light to ignite that spark.
Lately I have been in a good mental state,
I mean, I’m different and you can see it in my face.
Your baby boy is a grown young man,
Added on to my plate, I even lend a helping hand.
I have come a long way,
I try to put all that other stuff in the past…it’s a new day.
Everyone who talks to me says “Boy, you are just like your daddy”,
Momma used to get mad at me saying, “boy your too much like your daddy.”
Look at me now, I am 24 years old,
Trying to keep warm in a world that’s so cold.
I’m not as close with the family as I know momma would like me to be,
But I can honestly say I am a better me.
Aww man I wish you could see me and how I have grown,
I’m getting things handled now on my own.
Before I go I wanted to just say thank you,
You raised a strong warrior that is a mirror of you,
No matter what your always going to be my idol,
No matter my age, power, or title.
Kiss momma and tell her I said hi,
Cant wait to hug you two when we reunite in the sky.

Love,
Ian

Yesterday, Tommorow, and Today

Yesterday is a memory and tomorrow is yet to be decided,
So enjoy right now and blessing will be granted.
The wind will never blow like it does today,
The stars will never align themselves like they do today.
Your body wont wake up with the same smile,
Your legs wont run same during your morning mile.
The breeze wont brush against your face like this tomorrow,
The trees wont sing their favorite evening hymn like this tomorrow.
Your mind will not think the same after today,
Your eyes will see things different after today.
Today is all you need,
Tomorrow comes because today you planted the seed.
Today, your memories of yesterday don’t matter,
Yesterday is over, tomorrow has yet to come and these moments are all that matter.
Dreams begin today while tomorrow they appear,
Today always seems so long yet tomorrow is always so near.
Yesterday your eyes shed tears,
Today you wash away those tears and conquer your worst fears.
Yesterday pain flooded your mind,
Today, remember yesterday’s pain always goes away with time.
Today we focus and enjoy only today,
Because yesterday is over and well tomorrow…will be just another wonderful today.

Promises

Vow to dream even when darkness fills the mind,
Vow to get lost but never hard to find.
Vow to create your own destiny,
Vow to look at the beauty in anything that seems ugly.
Vow to believe in the talents you possess,
Vow to understand life is not a quickie, yet a process.
Vow to disregard any envy toward the next man,
Vow to always, if needed, lend a helping hand.
Vow to cry only tears of joy,
Vow to grow into a man and leave the behind being a boy.
Vow to make those believe in you simile,
For greatness, vow to walk the extra mile.
Vow to only think as if there was no pain,
Vow to only believe the sun always comes after the rain.
Vow to cover up through the storm of adversity,
Vow to take heed that the foundation begins with family.
Vow to give this unpredictable life your all,
Vow to slip but never fall.
Vow to touch determination with the hand that quits,
Vow to grab indecisiveness with the hand that commits.
Vow to only fear what does not exist,
Vow to only see the bright light amongst the thick mist.
Vow to never fold,
I vow to never let my story go untold.

A Portal To Peace

As your calendar turns pages, the days feel like hell to you,
Every night you are on your knees not knowing what to do.
The pain is becoming to heavy to hold,
Your world is losing its warmth and becoming cold.
As you sit and stare at the sky,
You cant help but ask… why?
You dreams seem farfetched, your friends seem distant,
Nothing in your life seems consistent.
Love is running away,
And hate its making its way.
It feels like your all alone,
It feels like now, no one wants to pick up the phone.
But remember, it never rains all the time,
Eventually the clouds would part and the sun will shine.
Life is nothing but a mental game,
The good, the bad, the ugly is all the same.
We all slip but never fall,
We may come up short but we always stand tall.
Your mind is your portal to peace,
It can either make your life a beauty or a beast.
So get up…laugh, smile, love… nothing is as bad as it seems,
Suffering is only what the mind believes.
There is no need to cry any more,
This is what you have been looking for.
I’m right here with you, let our minds create a world free of pain,
And watch our sunny days conquer the rain.

Things To Do

Let pain be the motivational push to glory,
Let the lies you were told be the footnotes to your story.
Let your dreams be the blueprint to success,
While struggles become the appetizer to progress.
Let the tears you cry be symbols of hope,
While your positive thoughts be the way you cope.
Let your mistakes be only lessons learned,
And don’t praise anything that’s given, only earned.
Let your family’s values be the shoes during your walk,
Let the passion of your craft be the tongue when you talk.
Let the love be the constant beat to your tune,
Let your mind wander amongst the stars and the moon.
Let the rain symbolize the deterioration of pain,
Let the traffic to greatness drive you in your own lane.
Let your eyes see only opportunities in a moment of stress,
Let you body refuse to give anything less than its best.
Let fear become something that’s unattainable,
Let faith serve as your guardian angel.
Let your ears hear the sounds of prosperity,
Let your hands grab the tail of adversity.
Finally, let today be the only thing that’s on your mind,
Because tomorrow is too far away and the past is too far behind.

Survive or Thrive

A man once said we are not here to survive, but to thrive,
But to thrive one must know how to survive.
Greed takes over a man’s mind,
The value of status makes a man go blind.
I asked the priest during confession how am I suppose to thrive in this material society,
They throw the finer things in your face and if you don’t get them we turn into a judgmental society.
The value of friendship has disappeared,
And the face of the disloyal beast as appeared.
Interpersonal relationships have become glorified business deals,
Judgment has become so strong you are scared to say how you really feel.
Women have glorified sleeping with men to get ahead,
Men have glorified something that have left a lot of mothers depressed and a lot of babies unfed.
The value of family is no longer apparent,
Kids having kids…when he or she is not fit to be a parent.
Which is my I become an outcast,
Living this way wont last,
I stay far away and keep people at a distance.
The problems I have, only angles can provide assistance.
The world has become a big trap of grief,
And solitary confinement or death seem to be the only two ways of relief.
Your friends become your enemy,
Then your family turns on you as a result of envy.
So are we have to thrive?
Because I’m having problems just trying to survive.

Still Talk To The Sky

I wear the rosary on my neck for protection,
I tattoo religious symbols on my skin hoping for direction.
The world gets smaller as the days get longer,
We get weaker as the pain gets stronger.
The nun told me that the church was no place for a man who did not believe,
She said men who don't believe are wasting the church's time and they should leave.
I told her that God's lack of communication has me not believing,
She replied, you believe enough because your not leaving.
But...you couldn't leave if you tried because you have no where to go,
He is the only one who as not turned into a foe.
Your family begins to breed envy,
Then your best friend becomes your worst enemy.
Who do you look to?
God? But you think… he brought all this pain to you.
Then your question is...love, is it real,
Your not trying to seem offensive just telling him how you feel.
So you listen to your pastor when he says, hit your knees and pray,
And you pray, pray, and pray hoping you could get an answer one day.
Now you seem lost, confused, and somewhat mad,
Why would he do me this bad?
And you know what…although you may never get a reply,
Every night you still hit your knees to talk to the sky.

One Day

One day I will learn to forgive,
One day I will understand what it means to live.
One day a mother’s tears will no longer fall,
One day a kid with polio will be able to stand tall.
One day we will recognize that race is just a color,
One day we will practice safe sex so that your girl wont become an unfit mother.
One day we will celebrate life at its best,
One day we will all be ale to kick back and rest.
One day you will understand my wrath,
One day I will understand the worst is in the past.
One day my friend will no longer be a potential enemy,
One day families won’t consists of hatred and envy.
One day a father can hold his long-lost daughter,
One day a girl can finally reunite with her biological father.
One day you will understand my frame of mind,
One day peace will be just a matter of time.
One day a mother will be proud,
One day when we look up to the sky, there will be no more grey cloud.
One day there will not be a fear of dying,
One day the truth will overcome the centuries of lying.
One day we will all get a taste of glory,
One day the priest will tear when reading my story.
One day a son will get to reunite with his family,
One day I hope that child is me.

All We Know Is The Struggle

As the world turns, the game stays the same,
When despair and anguish hit you look to us to blame.
What you call the “hood” we call home,
What you call unruly behavior we call getting in the zone.
They show us killing and dying on TV,
And the perception is we are animals and this is what we are meant to be.
They put drugs in our homes, and get mad when we try to survive,
Trust me its more to us than money, dope & homicide.
You see a 16 year old kid with a gun on his waist and ask why,
You must understand, where he lives its either ride or die.
Where we are from blessing tend to overlook us,
But you don’t care just another body down ashes to ashes dust to dust.
Its pain down here, mothers’ tears are falling like rain,
Don’t judge our actions until you witnessed our pain.
Are we wrong for living this way?
Environment dictate living and our environment leads us a stray.
Show us a better way to survive,
Understand that most of us are just trying to stay alive.
You preach education, yet its an institution that has been proven biased and not needed to succeed,
You show us rappers, ball players figuring that’s all we need.
We are products of circumstances,
Unlike others, we are rarely allocated a second chance.
All we know is the struggle,
Its why we keep our mind on the hustle.

What Would You Do

They say everything that happens teaches you a lesson,
And every piece of anguish opens up into a blessing.
Love taught hate,
Death taught me fate.
Pain taught me how to write,
And the lack of light taught me how to cope in the night.
I apologize for dark painful thoughts I express to you,
But what else am I suppose to do.
The only way I know how to cope is through this pen,
Forgive me Lord if I discourage many men.
Some people know why they are placed here,
I don’t, which is why I live mostly in fear.
When your days become harder to enjoy the sun,
Darkens comes, and life is no longer fun.
This writing may not motivate you or brighten your day,
But understand I would stop when God has to hear what I have to say.
At mass the priest told me God tests us with pain,
I replied, “He failed to tell me I needed an umbrella for the rain.”
The priest stared into my eyes and asked why are you so angry when you are so blessed,
I told him with teary eyes, “because I cant seem win even at my best.”
The Lord’s messenger cant believe a man who prays as much as me cant win,
Prayer with no faith…will I go to heaven or hell in the end.
Pardon my lack of faith I don’t mean to discourage any of you,
Before you judge me, ask yourself… if you lost it all, what would you do?

Maybe It Was A Mistake

The death of a loved one will have you searching for love in the wrong places,
The vulnerability you obtain will have you trusting the wrong faces.
I remember just last week the priest asked what were my sins,
I told him sacrificing it all trying to win.
He asked how was winning bad,
I replied, “God wouldn’t want to touch what I’m about to grab.”
The life of a man who lost it all and gained peace in hell’s paradise,
Is a story of a man who took a gamble and rolled hell’s dice.
Reciting my fifth Hail Mary, I wonder if the pain will ever go away,
The priest dropped his head when I told him God does not listen to what weak men have to say.
They say dreams come true yet we wall have a plan,
But what if my dream does not agree with my plan?
So I ask myself what am I suppose to do,
When I have worked hard and dreamed big yet I’m stuck with you.
So I stare, I stare into the night,
Thinking to myself, should I even fight.
When nightmares become the usual and darkness become your guiding star,
It becomes logical to think that peace is too far.
God never gives you something you cant handle,
Pressure begins to build in my legs as I look up at the mantle.
Reciting my tenth and final Hail Mary, I wonder has God made a mistake,
Maybe he has given me something I cannot take.

Still Haven't Quit

They say true happiness only comes with death,
Therefore pain is a part of us until our last breath.
At night I stare outside to see the weather change from sun to rain,
As the rain pours, it symbolizes the tears of those in pain.
I wonder will wounds ever heal,
Will peace be something I will ever get to feel?
At mass I just stare at the cross with the rosary in hand,
Debating if I have the strength to be a real man.
The dark thoughts cloud my peaceful dreams,
Wishing that the grief is not as bad as it seems.
My teacher told me my writing seemed too dark and hopeless,
But he doesn’t understand that pain keeps me focused.
As I sit here writing my pain hoping these words give me chance,
I have a date in Hell and anguish is the last dance.
The angles seemed to have ignored my plea,
When all I wanted was to find my way to my destiny.
The grief in life seems to always fall on the one who is not ready,
Yet when the pressure begins to apply the world expects you to hold it steady.
Where the days get colder and the nights get darker,
You begin to feel the pain getting deeper.
Everyone tells me “hit your knees and pray”.
But I spoke to God and he does not want to hear what I have to say.
I guess my teacher was right its all hopeless script,
But I still have yet to quit.

Searching But Can't Find

A lost soul trying to find my place,
I’m crying inside don’t judge by the expression on my face.
The priest heard my plea for help and listened to me confess,
When he looked into my eyes he saw a man whose life is a mess.
The idea of death becomes more plausible when its hard to provide,
During mass the deacon said it will go away but I see he lied.
Do you think God protects the weak or does he let life eat them alive,
I’m asking because I’m not feeling to strong so I don’t know if I will survive.
The nights I have sat up and stared into the night,
Asking myself, do I quit or try and put up a fight.
But the fight in me has left,
I still haven’t found my way since my parents death.
I continue to search to find the love to fill that emptiness,
But I’m beginning to think that my life will no longer consist of happiness.
I’m down and out, out for the count, cant take no more,
The say when one door closes more open but I think I trapped behind the closed door.
Pressure breaks pipes and stress breaks down a man,
If he loves me, God will send me an angel to lend me a hand.
I have pleaded so much I think God is tired of hearing me cry,
If I told you I still have kept my faith, it would be a lie.
The tools I needed to succeed He took away,
Get over it, life goes on is what my peers say.
Well if that’s the case through this pen I give you my life,
Happiness cheated on me so pain has become my awfully wedded wife.

Dedication

I want to dedicate this to the people who don’t feel compete,
I’m talking to you even though we may never meet.
For those of you who lost a loved one,
Hold your head, and know they are in the hands of God’s son.
For those of you who cant seem to find love,
You always got the man above.
For those of you who can’t seem to find their way,
Happiness takes a while, it down not happen in one day.
For those of you who are falling victim of the streets,
Be careful because that is where the committee of death meets.
For those of you who feel neglected from your family,
Acceptance from others cant help you become who you want to be.
For those of you who cant seem to escape the pain,
Remember wherever it rains, the sun always shines again.
For those who lack trust,
Due to one or two bad situations don’t believe all men are unjust.
For the women who have been hurt and gave up on men,
Your God’s greatest creation of course there are going to be a bad batch every now and then.
For the men who are struggling to provide,
I know its hard but somebody needs you…so dig deep and take it stride.
For those of you who cant seem to make it right,
We need you to keep trying, I know you got more fight.
For those of you who feel no one believes in you,
I do because I am the same way, so together we will dream big and make it do what it do.

What If

What if my prayers land on deaf ears,
Should I still cry out hoping that someone hears?
What if my friends become enemies,
Do I begin to believe that men have no boundaries?
What if I am no longer loved by my family,
Do I live alone, escaping from life’s beauty?
What if I don’t turn out as I planed,
Will the inner disappointment be something I can withstand?
What if I cant escape the pain,
What if it becomes impossible for me to maintain?
What if I don’t get what I need,
But what if I succeed?
What if I conquer my fears,
Would that mean I could finally wash away my tears?
What if my dreams came true,
Should I thank the priest for telling what to do?
What if my family grows stronger,
Will I be able to believe in love and not live aloof any longer?
What if I told you that life was a bitter sweet journey,
And that there is a possibility that the journey can get lonely?
Would you still believe you can make it,
Or would you fold under pressure and quit?
What if I told you we all make it if we believe,
And when you believe…greatness is only one of the things you can achieve.
What if I said “what ifs” cause to much doubt,
Just live your life with no regrets…that’s what its all about.

Finding My Way

They say the eyes never lie,
So when looking at me, is it obvious that I’m living to die?
My body gets warm when the cold breeze passes through,
I have come to a fork in my life and I don’t know what to do.
The priest said that God has a plan,
But why is suffering in my plan, unless I don’t understand.
How will I stand on my own,
How will my family love me when I rather be alone?
When will I see the sign from God that I am on the right track,
When will I be able to finally walk forward without looking back?
I don’t mean to complain or be a burden,
Not many things are for sure, but me being lost is for certain.
I feel helpless, I feel I’m just another lost soul,
It feels I was left alone in the cold.
The pain shifts from hurt to indecisive decision making,
Which is the product of no guidance, and as a result I just begin taking.
Taking upon a life that is not for me,
A life that will turn me into something I did not plan to be..
I need to find my way fast,
Living this indecisive life will turn the present into my past.
I need to find my way,
I will sacrifice it all, just don’t let me live in dismay. .

Letter to God

Lord, this is not a prayer, I just wanted to get some things off my chest,
They say you bless us daily but why is it that sometimes I don’t feel so blessed?
When you took my parents I felt you abandoned me,
I could not understand why them and not me,
You know I talk to you daily and ask for help and forgiveness,
Yet sometimes I feel my pleas land on deaf ears like its none of your business.
You know those times when I get angry at you?
I feel no sense of direction. I mean what am I suppose to do?
Why do you think I have lasted this long without them?,
When my mind and soul are in complete mayhem.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
I just don’t want to be the lone lost angel.
My family is so far away that it seems impossible for them to love a stranger,
Which make the comfort for being alone greater.
I cant seem to shake this pain,
Even in the sunny days I seem to only feel the rain.
I pray to you every night, but would you say I believe,
Or maybe I have this life wrong, maybe I was deceived?
What do you actually want from me,
I know you have a plan but in the process I fee like I’m failing it slowly.
A direction to go or a sign is what I need,
A sign in the direction where I can make it to peace.
Sincerely Yours,
Ian…
P.S. Hopefully when its my time I can one day walk through heaven’s doors.

One Wish

Are we living to die?,
What is loving someone if they only live in the sky?
I’m sorry momma I have not held my head like you told me to do,
Now my love for hate has grew.
Daddy forgive me for being weak as a man,
Its hard without you here lending me a hand.
I am blind to the happy days,
I’m getting accustomed to life’s painful ways.
I feel the need to vent so I confess my sins to the priest,
Hoping he can talk to God for me to make the pain cease. .
The skeletons in my closet are eager to come to light,
And my past stumbles prevent me from trying to fight.
The blind don’t have to see the grief and the pain,
The deaf don’t have to hear the lies and the rain.
They say a man must go through struggle to get to progress,
Yet here in pain’s world the only thing I seem to gain is stress.
My knees are losing feeling from so much prayer,
Sometimes all I need is a hug or someone to tell me they care.
My temper gets shorter due to the lack of success,
Beginning to believe that my best is not as good as the rest.
Therefore Lord I ask, or better yet wish,
That before my soul is called please deliver me from anguish.

Opposite Creed

The dark thoughts light up my path,
The smile of my enemy ignites my wrath.
The sun reminds me of the rain,
The happy days don’t exist if there is no pain.
The disloyal men in my circle help form my shape,
While the loyal men are trapped inside and there is no escape,
The love from my deceased mother hurts,
The healing process takes a while according to experts.
The strength and knowledge my late father taught,
Will eventually kick in and save me from being distraught.
The path I choose will split into two,
The choice of which road to take will be the issue.
The prayer I say before I sin,
Is the same one that makes me cold within.
The faith that I believe in condemns my soul,
The order and rules I abide by gets me out of control.
The people who loved me for the wrong reasons,
Are the same people who changed up like the seasons.
The ideas of death bring me to life,
The progress from preparation hint at strife.
The concept of failure motivates me,
And the ugly death of loved ones help me see life’s beauty.
The place that I hope to fly to from his hell,
Is the same place where my two favorite angels dwell.

Will I Ever Be Pain Free?

I want to one day write my wrongs,
Yet in my head I just keep hearing grief’s sad songs.
The melody of pain captures my mind,
Then it beings to make me feel I’m running out of time.
As I race against time to become a better man,
The faster I run the less I am able to stand.
Alone is how I feel yet there are so many people around,
Climbing to the top seems impossible when I look down.
Betrayal from my friends haunts me,
While the death of my loved ones creates a man you don’t want to be.
The cold lonely nights become the norm,
The day the sun decides to shine, the black clouds begin to form.
Those I trust are few those I love are gone,
So is living reckless in my case right or wrong?
Life is a long road and you must walk the distance,
Well damn the distance I just really need some assistance.
Our father who art thou heaven,
Do you think I will live to see 27?
Thy kingdom thy will be done,
Does your will send a hand to my father’s youngest son?
For the kingdom, the power, the glory of yours for now and forever,
Grant me a pair of wings so I can fly away from pain forever.

Think Of...

Think of a smile as an ingredient to happiness,
Think of family as a shield to loneliness.
Think of greatness as the final product after years of preparation.
Think of life as the greatest creation,
Think of your enemy as a friend who lost his way,
Think of a friend as a potential enemy who has not yet gone astray.
Think of a woman as a gentle comforting being,
Think of a man as a provider, protector, and as a king.
Think of pain as the locked door to success,
Think of struggle as life’s ongoing test.
Think of faith as the connection between you and the power in the sky,
Think of heaven as the reward when you die.
Think of prayer as a way to keep in touch,
Think of laughter as an medicine not prescribed…you can never have to much.
Think of dreams as a step away from reality,
Think of quitting as the emotional equivalent to a physical casualty.
Think of music has life’s soundtrack where every song has a different melody,
Think of an icon as a blueprint of who you strive to be.
Think of an artist as a depicter of feelings,
Think of progress as a house without ceilings.
Think of yourself as a solider in training,
Think of your life so far as an unfinished painting.
Think of love as the cure to life’s grief,
Think of death…as life’s final relief.

Your Best

The nights get long an cold,
The days are numbered for you to not to fold.
The motivation to strive sometimes is hard to find,
A man who is motivated at all times is one of a kind.
The pressure to provide becomes heavier than before,
Yet as you grow older you add more and more.
The idea of failure has knocked at your door lately,
To counter the visit you hit your knees to talk with your maker daily.
You feel its all on you not to fail,
In this cold world, which in your mind is equivalent to hell.
The nights you cry and are ready to quit,
Remember there is more sun than rain…but this is not it.
The days where your motivation to succeed beings to fade,
Just hold on and fight as the warrior God made.
When the pressure gets to heavy,
Don’t carry it all at once until your ready.
When it seems no one is on your side,
Be proud to stand alone in the open…don’t hide.
Remember no pain no glory,
No author…No story.
Be your author of your own book of success,
Its simple…just give your best.

Yes We Can!!

They say we are crazy for the way we live and the way we act,
But we have come so far and you cant deny that fact.
They dislike the way we talk,
They despise the way we walk.
The way we dress makes them seem uneasy,
But deep down they wish they could be like us…believe me.
We are known as only rappers, ‘ballers’, and street servers,
The idea that we are so much more makes them nervous.
We are the most talented group God created,
Our inventions, ideas, and creativity will never be outdated.
They counter saying most of you are in prison rather than school,
Yet to believe we always get a fair trial you would be a fool.
No group has been built like us,
For God himself created warriors when he made us.
The slave times, the stereotypes, & the segregation,
Yet in the end we are still here so everyday should be a celebration,
We have battled with pain for years,
We can't even cry no more because our eyes are tired of tears.
Look at where we stand,
Somewhere that was not suppose to be our land.
Yet here we are standing firm,
Can we keep it going should be our only concern.
To many of us die to nonsense,
To many of us pick the wrong book in life and don’t read the table of contents.
We are so much more than what they portray,
To get to glory, pain is the price we have to pay.
BLACK MEN: the group God created built for greatness and pain,
We must stand and fight before we will no longer be in a position to gain.
Stand tall, help the next man,
Believe me when I say YES WE CAN!!

Overcame The Pain

The pressure of becoming a man can become heavy,
Yet faith keeps the load even so you can walk steady.
The pain from your past sometimes sleeps in your bed,
But the faith of a mustard seed is what you remembered the bible said.
Everyday you strive to the be best,
And every night you pray to be a success.
Sometimes your days seem cold and empty,
Yet you know your work will pay off and you don’t want any sympathy.
The promises you made you still are willing to keep,
If you die before you do, you ask God to take you while you sleep.
Some you your friends have turned into enemies and some family have become foes,
You still stand tall on your own two balancing the highs and the lows.
You sometimes complain about life’s pain,
Until you realize with sunshine there must be rain.
The world around you suffers from a lack of happy days,
At the same time you begin to question the Lord’s ways.
Yet through it all you fight the battles and overcome the trials,
With the road to glory there’s no telling the miles.
Your head is high, your feet planted into pain’s playground,
You only look up due to your recollection of what it feels to be down.
Now its your time to spread your wings fly with the winds of glory,
When they see you up there, everyone will one day read your story.

Can Only Take So Much

The guidance I used to have is no longer here,
So I walk blindly carrying a heart full of fear.
The pressure has become to much to bear,
Its making me question “should I even care?”
It becomes strenuous to stay warm when your heart is cold,
And it becomes difficult to keep telling yourself through all the grief not to fold.
The pain is breaking me down piece by piece,
As I live in despair I try and dream of peace.
My knees have become sore and my voice has become horse for screaming to the skies,
Everything I was told seems to be all lies.
Why has it become so hard for me to smile?
This road is becoming to grueling, it feels I cant walk another mile.
I try to seek the courage to stand and fight,
Yet instead I question my heart and I just fade into the night.
My confidence level has stopped, my motivation I seek is no longer there,
I pray way to much for this…LORD this is NOT FAIR.
Show me a sign I’m on the right road, let me know your still with me,
Because the drive to succeed is leaving, this is not where I want to be.
These nights are getting colder , while my dreams are turning into nightmares,
Its killing me to think that no one cares.
The windows of my soul show a man of great pain,
And my heart beats only to the sound of the rain.
The heart of a man even the strongest warrior can only take so much,
Lord heal the pain…I can only take so much.

Is It Really that Bad?

This world has its way with those of us who have no fight left,
We try to get it right but we keep going left.
The sacrifice we make to feed our family,
Sometimes becomes the obstacle in becoming all you can be.
We cry those painful tears, and cruse those heavenly skies,
Yet the struggle never leaves and your still barely getting by.
The pastor said all you need is the faith of a mustard seed,
It feels like a miracle is more like what I need.
My sleepless nights become daydreams of grief and pain,
I cant stop my mind from racing…the windows of my soul still see the rain.
My confidence to provide is at an all-time low,
Every time I ask for help it seems like God always replies NO.
To show you my pain, I tattoo my skin with the story of my grief,
I feel if I could just get a second chance I would turn over a new leaf.
I argue and fight with the light
Therefore I talk to the night.
Am I to weak of a man to handle this?
Is it to much to ask for my mother’s last kiss?
I was told to push until your legs get weak,
And search relentlessly until you find what you seek.
I’m willing to die for my family and fight for my dreams,
But Lord, is my life as bad as it seems.

Slow Down

I need to slow down,
I’m spending everything yet my soul has yet to be found.
I have driven my life in the wrong lane,
The same lane a year ago I thought was insane.
I’m spending it all to have a good time,
Everybody is shining so I’m just trying to get mine.
I hide behind the bottles,
Because I realize I’m not a great role model.
I seek help behind expensive clothes,
Because of the ridicule I received…only Lord knows.
I take trips to try and stay high,
But in reality I’m barley getting by.
They say you only live once so live it up,
But me living it up, will soon lead to my time being up.
I want this so bad,
But yet I know this is unhealthy, and its sad.
What happen to me?
What happen to the man I wanted to be?
What happen to my sanity?
I’m switching lanes dangerously.
I know the fun times don’t last forever,
But I’m in the wrong lane I need to get it together.
My foot is on the pedal and I’m going nowhere fast,
At this rate I‘m not going to be able to make it last.
This life is not for me,
Somebody lend me a hand and please save me.

Death

Death comes for us all,
No matter how small you are or how tall.
Death scares most of us,
Death of loved ones make us look to the sky and cuss.
Death makes the mightiest warrior weak,
Death finds us, its not what we seek.
Death breathes down your neck when you on the block,
Death takes its time, its on its own clock.
Death whispers to her on the hospital bed,
Death fucks with you until your completely dead.
Death screams at you from that table of “white candy”,
Death gives you a reason for your family to dress you up all “fine and dandy”.
Death lends you its hand in your beef with the rival across town,
Death shouts to you in your hear but you cant hear a sound.
Death grabs your hand in that car when your drunk,
Death set you up for failure and you ended up in that trunk.
Death has no friends,
Death is on your mind when your sick of life and you have no “endz”.
Death brings pain to your door step,
Death is a secret that can not be kept.
Death can not be escaped,
Death is not something that is not up for debate.
Death grabbed my mother,
Death snatched my father.
Death will set us free,
Life is hard, but death is so easy!!

This Is It

You curse and scream getting in a rage,
You get angrier when I try to turn the page.
All this fighting is not healthy,
All you do is question my fidelity.
We been together for too long for us to be at each others neck,
You accusing me of stuff slow down… wait a sec.
They say when you point the finger 3 point back at you,
So should I be asking you what you been doing? What you been up to?
We never can settle an issue because everybody is all in your hear,
Be careful because I’m not always going to be here.
I care for you which is why I stay,
But you cant keep making decisions on he say she say.
You got to change this before I leave,
So who is it going to be them or me? Who are you going to believe?
We used to be such a good team,
Now I feel your smile is not what it seem.
You had my back to the bitter end,
For your loyalty I promised you I was all in.
Then you changed, you became something you use to hate,
I don’t think we can get it back…its to late.
You try and flip our downfall on me,
When all I wanted was for things to be get back to how they used to be.
Its time we stop trying to spark a fire on a candle that wont be lit,
Sorry…This Is It.

Rules of the Success Game

Motivation is key,
Home of the victorious is the place to be.
Faith is crucial,
The relationship with the man above must be mutual.
Hard work is needed,
Progress is when you work until you are damn near depleted.
Determination is essential,
To become this, one must have a strong mental.
Failure will come,
However how you deal with it will determine the outcome.
A good friend may become an enemy,
Be careful of the snakes even the ones in your family.
Maintain a positive outlook,
Remember dealing with hardship can’t be taught via book.
Learn from those before you,
Advice is only good if you listen…and act on it too.
Become a student of the game,
Learn the craft before reaching for money and fame.
Take your time its not a race,
Success is only give to the people who learn how to pace.
Believe in yourself,
Remember your worst enemy is always yourself.
Finally have fun and don’t regret anything one bit,
And for the rest…let go and let God deal with it

Life....????

Life…Life is a fucked up game
Life, pain, death its all the same.
We live to die,
I mean we sometimes don’t even get to say good-bye.
God takes as he pleases,
Its all a puzzle but we never have all the pieces.
I’m not suppose to go through this
Are we suppose to get this??
Is this a game?
Damn I cant stop calling Your name.
I cant get a win for shit,
I just want to know did they love me jus a little bit?
I mean seriously because I feel empty,
I’ not writing for sympathy.
I’m just trying to get answers,
You ever feel like you just want some damn answers?
Is that too much to ask,
Until then I will cover my heart in this cask.
Or maybe it will end it all now,
They say it will get better, and I ask really?? How?
They not coming back, they are gone,
I just remember that day I should never answered the phone.
God…take me now for I have nothing else to live for,
Or let me wither away and crawl to that door.
The door that opens up to death,
And let me hit my knees one last time before my last breath.
Dear God before you take me just know I tried,
For I am ready to live with you because the old me just died.

Tired of This

Everybody’s talking…Nobody is listening,
Me personally I’m done listening.
It's my time to talk,
If you don’t like it, well you know how to walk.
It's my turn to make your hears bleed like my heart did,
It's time for you to get pay back for what I went through as a kid,
My heart bleeds pain,
My eyes cry rain.
My tough speaks grief,
My brain disregards society’s belief.
My soul has gone on vacation,
It's not coming back until I get some confirmation.
Saying my life will turn out just as my dreams say,
And that God will take me right where I lay.
See I have held my tongue for too long,
Pain is my gift is my theme song.
“The preacher can save you”,
How? What the hell can he do?
"Pray for you and help you get closer to God,"
Well I prayed yesterday and in regards to me & God…
He needs to come and get me,
This world doesn’t deserve a man like me.
I took the beatings, I took the punches, I took the whippings.
And all you want to do is show me some damn newspaper clippings.
God you better take me now,
Jus tell me when where & How.
I will be waiting pain in my left and grief in right,
Before I go just know I put up hell of a fight.

Lucky Me...

At some point we all envy our peer’s position. You think to yourself, “If I was there”, or “If I would have had the chance he got”. Those places that you want to be are not always what you think. Don’t judge until you have walked and talked in that field. On paper that person’s life may look wonderful, yet under the surface he or she may be going through more hell than you could possibly imagine. We all fall into the category of judging lifestyles on what we see or what we hear Be aware that everything that looks good isn’t and everything that sounds bad may not be.

I think sometimes how lucky can I be,
I mean really who would want to trade places with me?
Here you have a kid who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, symptoms of bipolar, and mild depression,
I’m taking more hits than the stock market did in the recession.
Should I join the army where I can be all I can be?
Or should I seek advice from the people in my family.
I live in a city without one single loved one,
But let yall tell it, I’m the lucky one.
I put a smile on my face when I really want to frown,
I‘m trying to stand firm but I’m falling down
They say “Ian you are in such a great place now”
Really, I live with pain so please tell me how?
Oh let me help you,
NYC, a job, ohh and I should be thankful to be alive to??
”Life goes on your parents are not coming back,”
Easy for you to say when everyday your not watching for the knife in your back.
On paper I got a good blueprint don’t I?
Law firm paying me I mean I even can tell the boss hi and bye.
You don’t know how hard this is,
Yet I still got to wear a smile when handling bizz.
No true friends, a lost soul, no future plan, a cold heart,
But yet, “Ian your decision to move was smart.”
“You got a bright future cant you see?”
So you would love to be me??
With all the disgust, anger and pain,
With all the hatred and disdain?
“Ian you don’t see what I see”
Well, lucky me!

Just Trying To Make It

My mind races on the track we call life,

While I make pain my mistress and success my wife.

As I shake hands with destiny and stare failure in the eye,

I contemplate the deal we made that will land me a seat in the sky.

The cool breeze of temptation blows lightly in my face,

As I search endlessly for that safe place.

I scoot closer to the edge of greatness while flirting with quitting,

The suit for glory needs tailoring because its not fitting.

While the devil and I toast to a life of pain,

The angles above page me reminding me the sun shines more than rain.

The death of love ones appear in my head,

Life Goes on is what Tupac said.

Day in and day out I hit my knees to have a convo with God,

When I get frustrated I zone out from the world with my i-pod.

The legs of struggle chase me through this land,

While the hands of peace reach to lend me a hand.

I sneak past obstacle after obstacle on my way to success,

I battle giving up on my way to giving my best.

I read the book of grief and took notes,

It gets cold out here so I bundle up with several coats.

I put all I have on the line,

Because I’m all I have to take care of me and mine.

I’m still driving to find the right lane,

Just hoping I don’t crash in the right lane.

Need You

We all have those people in our lives that we depend on when life beings to beat us up. Whether it is your lover, your parents, your brother, or your best friend, they are people that in times of need…you need them near. Those times get harder to deal with the more they are not around. What if they are gone? Most will say pray and believe in God, not to say that’s wrong, but at these times you need to be held, hugged, and talked to. I personally have not found a remedy or a replacement to my mother and father . So I am asking, who do you turn to when it gets cold out here? Who do you run to when the pain becomes unbearable? Who do you talk to when your problems seem endless? Who do you crawl to when your legs can no longer walk the path you have chosen for yourself?

The sky screams while the clouds cry,
As I stare out the windows of my soul barely getting by.
The pain conquers my heart and I ask where are you now,
Believe it or not I need you rite now.
It feels you left me in the cold,
I’m fighting the pressure trying not to fold.
I’m all alone,
I just want you to come home.
The sky beings to scream louder and the clouds emphasize their pain,
My cold heart becomes the umbrella in the rain.
Please take my hand,
I’m having trouble standing tall and being a man.
Hold me like you used to and walk with me,
Tell me what I need to hear, show me what I need to see.
When I need you the most your not around,
I’m struggling to stand strong and I‘m falling down.
The idea of giving up lingers while motivation to strive gets weaker.
The knife of anguish stabs me and begins to dig deeper.
My mind races for the “peace line”,
My legs stutter and my back beings to crumble trying to uphold mine.
When will this storm subside,
My clock reads “running out of time”.
I just want you to reach your hand out and pull me close,
Because right now I need you the most.

My Time is Coming

Don't you hate that feeling when you feel like you just can't win? I mean no matter what you do, you can't seem to make progress. Every step you take foward something brings you three steps back. Then you have people on the outside saying don't quit, which becomes so cliche. I have been there too often. The positive side is we are already down, so you can relax because we have no where to go but up. Just think your still standing... All you need is just that one little door to open up. You have nothing but postive and greatness in your future. We already have the pain and struggle in bed with us, and the good thing about a bad marriage is you can always get a divorce. Sign those papers.

I can feel the wind of success,
I can taste glory, so I’m going to feast more not less.
Through all the grief, struggle, & strife,
I’m going to give all I have in this thing we call life.
I will reach for the unreachable,
I will touch the untouchable.
I will swim the painful seas,
For greatness, I will pay the strenuous fees.
I will climb the mountain of my biggest fears,
I will no longer shed my painful tears.
The times has come for me to proceed to victory,
And while on this road I will battle misery.
The fight in me won’t let me fold,
My fiery desire to become victorious won’t let me be cold.
The craving for success eats away at the pain,
While the itching for my shine swallows the rain.
I have come to far to turn around,
I can only look up because I have already been down.
My legs can now run through the tough terrain,
Because I have already walked the most painful lane.
My day is coming soon,
Where I will be able to live in the sky next to the stars and being the moon.

Painful Tale

Writing my life story with this bloody pen,
Reciting what I write with a hoarse voice in a room full of sin.
As the blood leaks from the pen onto the pad,
My painful words beat up the pad and emphasize the bad.
The pad then bleeds due to the written story,
When told, the tone will be that of a painful warrior’s glory.
The continuous writing causes the hand to get weak,
Built from struggle, the story line gets deep.
Feel the pain and smell the grief,
Touch the anguish and reach for the relief.
Hear the hurtful words, listen to the scorn they gave me.
Realize I’m the devil’s angel, yet God made me.
Form your opinions and draw your conclusions,
90% of life is a facade so don’t believe the illusions.
Your dark and grueling times are battling for your light,
Whereas, I have no light therefore I live in the night.
As the story gets told,
The warmth of happy endings becomes cold.
My words attack you hearts like predators on prey,
As a result my soul becomes lost so let me pray.
Dear God, as your lost son please find me and take me in,
For my story is too painful to write until the end.
Before I go, if I could ask one thing it would be,
To turn the page and let this painful tale end happily.

2nd Year Anniversary

Two years ago today, my parents passed away. It was the worst day of my life. Couldn’t tell you how I made it this far, nor could I tell you honestly how I fell about it. I have mixed emotions about their passing. I don’t know weather to be angry or sad, yet at the end of the day I would give everything I have to get them back. You never really understand what someone means to you until they are no longer there. The protection, the love, the comfort, the shield from the outside world that they provided was something I took for granted. Now I face it everyday fighting tooth and nail just to make it to tomorrow. Today is the anniversary of not only when my parents were taken HOME, but when my whole life changed. To this day I still cant believe I am living here without them. If you are reading this and your next to someone you love, hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them. Trust me you are going to wish you would have when they are gone…

Two years ago today, God called two of his angles home,
However two years ago today, God left me all alone.
I remember getting the call and hitting my knees asking why,
I lost all my faith, I just stared and cursed the sky.
My heart dropped while my body got cold,
I couldn’t give up because I promised my father I wouldn’t fold.
I did not even get to hug them or get one last kiss,
Words can’t describe how you are missed.
I fight day and night trying to be strong,
But because of this day, sometimes I don’t think I can last long.
Nightmares become the usual while dreams seem so farfetched,
I try to grab on to peace but its something I cant seem to catch.
The pressure to carry the name they built gets heavy and my legs become weak,
I cant quit because there is no room for the weak.
The nights that were once warm with their presence become cold with them away,
No matter how much I bundle up, the warmth diminishes day by day.
Today I wont cry tears of pain,
Although with you gone the sun does not shine the same due to the rain.
Today we celebrate the time we spent together,
Like they say good things don’t last forever.
Two years ago today you left me all alone,
However, today two years ago I celebrate you going HOME.

Common Ground

Most of us struggle all our lives to find peace. We pray day in and day out, yet at times it does not feel we are making progress. The pain becomes a part of you, and it feels as if you cant escape it. There are days you being to feel as if the pain is gone and you can finally move on, yet before you know it the pain has crept right back into your bed. To be honest with you I don’t know how to fight it or how to get rid of it. Everyone would tell you the easy answer which is to pray about it, but what if you have? Yet your still living this up and down life so to speak where you cant seem to find that common ground. That ground where you could finally feel as if you don’t have to feel the weight of the world on your back. Is that common ground death??

Trying to get it together,

Because I know this pain cant last forever.

Sometimes I feel God gets tired of hearing me cry,

I hope he understands that I’m barley getting by.

Staying on the right path trying to become a better man,

Yet sometimes I slip and I need him to lend me a hand.

I cant lie I feel lonely out here without my father,

I’m cold and uncomfortable without my mother.

Sometimes I question the love around me,

Is it real or is there something I cant see.

I’m making it now on my own,

Yet I cant help but think that when I’m done I will die alone.

The world throws its stones my way,

Sometimes I just wish God could take me where I lay.

The pain comes and goes and I’m up and down,

Everyday underneath this smile there is a painful frown.

I have become so numb that my heart beats slower,

My motivation to fight gets lower and lower.

If I could just get to common ground,

Where the wind blows and the trees sing yet without a sound.

My map to peace was wrong and now I am lost,

To be found...is a hell of a cost.

Motivation..One Step

I sprint to out run my past,

Because I know if I harp on it I won't last.

I become “detective” and search for my destiny,

Because whatever it is I want to give it the best of me.

I fight with nightmares and battle pain,

Because I refuse for my sun to shine less than the rain.

I murder failure and kidnap success,

Because beyond the money & fame I just want to be one of the best.

I create a plan to capture fame,

Because I want the people who laughed at me to one day chant my name.

I write to show you that I put everything on the line,

Because I still want to be “talking” when its finally my time.

I push away from the idea to quit,

Because I came to far to give up all this shit.

 I take opportunity by the throat and I become abusive

Because I know opportunity and greatness are conducive.

I drive the car of life with the intention to never fill it up,

Because I know when judgment day comes…my time will be up.

I swim in the sea of grief,

Because when I finally reach land… It will be the land of relief.

I fly though the agony of poverty,

Because once my wings finally reached the top I can sit in sanity.

I pray for my next breath,

Because way form prosperity…I just need one step.

You Lied To Me

You ever feel like everything you believed was a lie? I mean the things you were taught and the things you were raised off of were not 100% accurate. You come to find out that there are loop holes in all the practices you believed in. Loop holes that you had no clue about. Loop holes that could changed your perspective about life. Loop holes that could potentially tempt you to drop your beliefs and live by a new set of rules. What I am asking is, what if you were lied to??

You told me I just needed to live for today,
But “tomorrow please come”, is what I pray.
You told me you love me,
You keep neglecting me, aren’t we family?
You told me hard work would get me by,
I work my ass off yet I still see people passing me by.
You told me I could be whatever I wanted to be,
But society wants me to be something I know its not for me.
You told me we were equal,
But he gets treated better, is this the 1920’s sequel?
You told me money is not everything,
Yet from here people with the money control everything,
You told me education was key,
Yet it seems learning is not important, its just all about the money.
You told me being black was good,
But they discriminate against me and try to throw be back in the hood.
You told me my dreams would come true,
Its been a while now and I’m still stuck here with you.
You told me I had it in me to be a success,
Yet they laugh at me when I’m giving my best.
You told me if I hold on I could make it,
Well I’m holding on, yet I don’t think I’m going to make it.
You told me all of this because you said you had nothing to hide,
As I sit back and think about it…You Lied!

Champion

Day in and day out we try to survive. We try to become great to make our family and friends proud. Through all the battles with racism, greed, envy, despair, we still fight to become something of value. Now trust me I know it gets to the point where you want to give it all up because it can be too much to handle. Nevertheless, something within you propels you to keep going. Now we all may not be millionaires or famous, yet we all can be survivors. We all can be warriors. We all can be champions. That’s what is all bout. Its about winning and being a champion. Remember a million dollars does not make you a champion. A champion is a person who is presented with a deck of cards and he deals them how he sees fit. Ask yourself are you a champion?

Sweating profusely, breathing hard, legs weary,
This is killing me, my vision is becoming dreary.
I’ve come to far to turn back,
Hard work, determination, and the will to win are things I don’t lack.
All alone with just memories and a dream,
Now I realize everything is not what it seems.
“Come on baby don’t give up,”
Because I can remember a time when you did not want me to say what’s up.
“Let’s go Ian don’t let them bring you down,”
For the past two years I’ve been searching for answers about what went down..
“There is not room out here for the weak,”
You people treated me so cold my heart is harder than concrete.
“Stay on the grind. Patience is the key,”
Four years ago I tried to tell you my life was bad you did not listen to me.
“You cant stop, Rufus and Lynn need you to win,”
You people trashed my family’s name as if it wasn’t a sin.
“I know its hard but the great ones never quit,”
All of you told me you had my back yet you did not do shit.
I write to tell you how I feel,
This will be the closet to my mind you will ever get unless we cut a deal.
So here I stand,
I plant my pole here like this is my land.
Lost my 2 companions,
Now I stand amongst the champions.

Forgive Me

Forgive me for I have lost my faith,

Forgive me for not following my dreams instead I played it safe.

Forgive me for I did not put  out my best,

Forgive me for I doubted my ability to become a success.

Forgive me for not loving my family,

Forgive me for not remembering what I was put here to be.

Forgive me for not turning away your assistance,

Forgive me for not keeping my distance.

Forgive me for not being a role model,

Forgive me for not looking to you instead I looked to this bottle.

Forgive me for my infidelity,

Forgive me for not keeping my relationship with you healthy.

Forgive me for my disregard of love,

Forgive me for not trying to rise above.

Forgive me for not creating a way,

Forgive me for ignoring everything you would say.

Forgive me for wearing my heart on my sleeve,

Forgive me for not wanting to believe.

Forgive me for putting my faith in man,

Forgive me for not lending a helping hand.

Forgive me for crying through the pain,

Forgive me for quitting during the rain.

Forgive for I have sinned,

I hope you forgive them all before I am judged in the end.