This Is It

You curse and scream getting in a rage,
You get angrier when I try to turn the page.
All this fighting is not healthy,
All you do is question my fidelity.
We been together for too long for us to be at each others neck,
You accusing me of stuff slow down… wait a sec.
They say when you point the finger 3 point back at you,
So should I be asking you what you been doing? What you been up to?
We never can settle an issue because everybody is all in your hear,
Be careful because I’m not always going to be here.
I care for you which is why I stay,
But you cant keep making decisions on he say she say.
You got to change this before I leave,
So who is it going to be them or me? Who are you going to believe?
We used to be such a good team,
Now I feel your smile is not what it seem.
You had my back to the bitter end,
For your loyalty I promised you I was all in.
Then you changed, you became something you use to hate,
I don’t think we can get it back…its to late.
You try and flip our downfall on me,
When all I wanted was for things to be get back to how they used to be.
Its time we stop trying to spark a fire on a candle that wont be lit,
Sorry…This Is It.

Rules of the Success Game

Motivation is key,
Home of the victorious is the place to be.
Faith is crucial,
The relationship with the man above must be mutual.
Hard work is needed,
Progress is when you work until you are damn near depleted.
Determination is essential,
To become this, one must have a strong mental.
Failure will come,
However how you deal with it will determine the outcome.
A good friend may become an enemy,
Be careful of the snakes even the ones in your family.
Maintain a positive outlook,
Remember dealing with hardship can’t be taught via book.
Learn from those before you,
Advice is only good if you listen…and act on it too.
Become a student of the game,
Learn the craft before reaching for money and fame.
Take your time its not a race,
Success is only give to the people who learn how to pace.
Believe in yourself,
Remember your worst enemy is always yourself.
Finally have fun and don’t regret anything one bit,
And for the rest…let go and let God deal with it

Life....????

Life…Life is a fucked up game
Life, pain, death its all the same.
We live to die,
I mean we sometimes don’t even get to say good-bye.
God takes as he pleases,
Its all a puzzle but we never have all the pieces.
I’m not suppose to go through this
Are we suppose to get this??
Is this a game?
Damn I cant stop calling Your name.
I cant get a win for shit,
I just want to know did they love me jus a little bit?
I mean seriously because I feel empty,
I’ not writing for sympathy.
I’m just trying to get answers,
You ever feel like you just want some damn answers?
Is that too much to ask,
Until then I will cover my heart in this cask.
Or maybe it will end it all now,
They say it will get better, and I ask really?? How?
They not coming back, they are gone,
I just remember that day I should never answered the phone.
God…take me now for I have nothing else to live for,
Or let me wither away and crawl to that door.
The door that opens up to death,
And let me hit my knees one last time before my last breath.
Dear God before you take me just know I tried,
For I am ready to live with you because the old me just died.

Tired of This

Everybody’s talking…Nobody is listening,
Me personally I’m done listening.
It's my time to talk,
If you don’t like it, well you know how to walk.
It's my turn to make your hears bleed like my heart did,
It's time for you to get pay back for what I went through as a kid,
My heart bleeds pain,
My eyes cry rain.
My tough speaks grief,
My brain disregards society’s belief.
My soul has gone on vacation,
It's not coming back until I get some confirmation.
Saying my life will turn out just as my dreams say,
And that God will take me right where I lay.
See I have held my tongue for too long,
Pain is my gift is my theme song.
“The preacher can save you”,
How? What the hell can he do?
"Pray for you and help you get closer to God,"
Well I prayed yesterday and in regards to me & God…
He needs to come and get me,
This world doesn’t deserve a man like me.
I took the beatings, I took the punches, I took the whippings.
And all you want to do is show me some damn newspaper clippings.
God you better take me now,
Jus tell me when where & How.
I will be waiting pain in my left and grief in right,
Before I go just know I put up hell of a fight.

Lucky Me...

At some point we all envy our peer’s position. You think to yourself, “If I was there”, or “If I would have had the chance he got”. Those places that you want to be are not always what you think. Don’t judge until you have walked and talked in that field. On paper that person’s life may look wonderful, yet under the surface he or she may be going through more hell than you could possibly imagine. We all fall into the category of judging lifestyles on what we see or what we hear Be aware that everything that looks good isn’t and everything that sounds bad may not be.

I think sometimes how lucky can I be,
I mean really who would want to trade places with me?
Here you have a kid who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, symptoms of bipolar, and mild depression,
I’m taking more hits than the stock market did in the recession.
Should I join the army where I can be all I can be?
Or should I seek advice from the people in my family.
I live in a city without one single loved one,
But let yall tell it, I’m the lucky one.
I put a smile on my face when I really want to frown,
I‘m trying to stand firm but I’m falling down
They say “Ian you are in such a great place now”
Really, I live with pain so please tell me how?
Oh let me help you,
NYC, a job, ohh and I should be thankful to be alive to??
”Life goes on your parents are not coming back,”
Easy for you to say when everyday your not watching for the knife in your back.
On paper I got a good blueprint don’t I?
Law firm paying me I mean I even can tell the boss hi and bye.
You don’t know how hard this is,
Yet I still got to wear a smile when handling bizz.
No true friends, a lost soul, no future plan, a cold heart,
But yet, “Ian your decision to move was smart.”
“You got a bright future cant you see?”
So you would love to be me??
With all the disgust, anger and pain,
With all the hatred and disdain?
“Ian you don’t see what I see”
Well, lucky me!

Just Trying To Make It

My mind races on the track we call life,

While I make pain my mistress and success my wife.

As I shake hands with destiny and stare failure in the eye,

I contemplate the deal we made that will land me a seat in the sky.

The cool breeze of temptation blows lightly in my face,

As I search endlessly for that safe place.

I scoot closer to the edge of greatness while flirting with quitting,

The suit for glory needs tailoring because its not fitting.

While the devil and I toast to a life of pain,

The angles above page me reminding me the sun shines more than rain.

The death of love ones appear in my head,

Life Goes on is what Tupac said.

Day in and day out I hit my knees to have a convo with God,

When I get frustrated I zone out from the world with my i-pod.

The legs of struggle chase me through this land,

While the hands of peace reach to lend me a hand.

I sneak past obstacle after obstacle on my way to success,

I battle giving up on my way to giving my best.

I read the book of grief and took notes,

It gets cold out here so I bundle up with several coats.

I put all I have on the line,

Because I’m all I have to take care of me and mine.

I’m still driving to find the right lane,

Just hoping I don’t crash in the right lane.

Need You

We all have those people in our lives that we depend on when life beings to beat us up. Whether it is your lover, your parents, your brother, or your best friend, they are people that in times of need…you need them near. Those times get harder to deal with the more they are not around. What if they are gone? Most will say pray and believe in God, not to say that’s wrong, but at these times you need to be held, hugged, and talked to. I personally have not found a remedy or a replacement to my mother and father . So I am asking, who do you turn to when it gets cold out here? Who do you run to when the pain becomes unbearable? Who do you talk to when your problems seem endless? Who do you crawl to when your legs can no longer walk the path you have chosen for yourself?

The sky screams while the clouds cry,
As I stare out the windows of my soul barely getting by.
The pain conquers my heart and I ask where are you now,
Believe it or not I need you rite now.
It feels you left me in the cold,
I’m fighting the pressure trying not to fold.
I’m all alone,
I just want you to come home.
The sky beings to scream louder and the clouds emphasize their pain,
My cold heart becomes the umbrella in the rain.
Please take my hand,
I’m having trouble standing tall and being a man.
Hold me like you used to and walk with me,
Tell me what I need to hear, show me what I need to see.
When I need you the most your not around,
I’m struggling to stand strong and I‘m falling down.
The idea of giving up lingers while motivation to strive gets weaker.
The knife of anguish stabs me and begins to dig deeper.
My mind races for the “peace line”,
My legs stutter and my back beings to crumble trying to uphold mine.
When will this storm subside,
My clock reads “running out of time”.
I just want you to reach your hand out and pull me close,
Because right now I need you the most.

My Time is Coming

Don't you hate that feeling when you feel like you just can't win? I mean no matter what you do, you can't seem to make progress. Every step you take foward something brings you three steps back. Then you have people on the outside saying don't quit, which becomes so cliche. I have been there too often. The positive side is we are already down, so you can relax because we have no where to go but up. Just think your still standing... All you need is just that one little door to open up. You have nothing but postive and greatness in your future. We already have the pain and struggle in bed with us, and the good thing about a bad marriage is you can always get a divorce. Sign those papers.

I can feel the wind of success,
I can taste glory, so I’m going to feast more not less.
Through all the grief, struggle, & strife,
I’m going to give all I have in this thing we call life.
I will reach for the unreachable,
I will touch the untouchable.
I will swim the painful seas,
For greatness, I will pay the strenuous fees.
I will climb the mountain of my biggest fears,
I will no longer shed my painful tears.
The times has come for me to proceed to victory,
And while on this road I will battle misery.
The fight in me won’t let me fold,
My fiery desire to become victorious won’t let me be cold.
The craving for success eats away at the pain,
While the itching for my shine swallows the rain.
I have come to far to turn around,
I can only look up because I have already been down.
My legs can now run through the tough terrain,
Because I have already walked the most painful lane.
My day is coming soon,
Where I will be able to live in the sky next to the stars and being the moon.

Painful Tale

Writing my life story with this bloody pen,
Reciting what I write with a hoarse voice in a room full of sin.
As the blood leaks from the pen onto the pad,
My painful words beat up the pad and emphasize the bad.
The pad then bleeds due to the written story,
When told, the tone will be that of a painful warrior’s glory.
The continuous writing causes the hand to get weak,
Built from struggle, the story line gets deep.
Feel the pain and smell the grief,
Touch the anguish and reach for the relief.
Hear the hurtful words, listen to the scorn they gave me.
Realize I’m the devil’s angel, yet God made me.
Form your opinions and draw your conclusions,
90% of life is a facade so don’t believe the illusions.
Your dark and grueling times are battling for your light,
Whereas, I have no light therefore I live in the night.
As the story gets told,
The warmth of happy endings becomes cold.
My words attack you hearts like predators on prey,
As a result my soul becomes lost so let me pray.
Dear God, as your lost son please find me and take me in,
For my story is too painful to write until the end.
Before I go, if I could ask one thing it would be,
To turn the page and let this painful tale end happily.

2nd Year Anniversary

Two years ago today, my parents passed away. It was the worst day of my life. Couldn’t tell you how I made it this far, nor could I tell you honestly how I fell about it. I have mixed emotions about their passing. I don’t know weather to be angry or sad, yet at the end of the day I would give everything I have to get them back. You never really understand what someone means to you until they are no longer there. The protection, the love, the comfort, the shield from the outside world that they provided was something I took for granted. Now I face it everyday fighting tooth and nail just to make it to tomorrow. Today is the anniversary of not only when my parents were taken HOME, but when my whole life changed. To this day I still cant believe I am living here without them. If you are reading this and your next to someone you love, hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them. Trust me you are going to wish you would have when they are gone…

Two years ago today, God called two of his angles home,
However two years ago today, God left me all alone.
I remember getting the call and hitting my knees asking why,
I lost all my faith, I just stared and cursed the sky.
My heart dropped while my body got cold,
I couldn’t give up because I promised my father I wouldn’t fold.
I did not even get to hug them or get one last kiss,
Words can’t describe how you are missed.
I fight day and night trying to be strong,
But because of this day, sometimes I don’t think I can last long.
Nightmares become the usual while dreams seem so farfetched,
I try to grab on to peace but its something I cant seem to catch.
The pressure to carry the name they built gets heavy and my legs become weak,
I cant quit because there is no room for the weak.
The nights that were once warm with their presence become cold with them away,
No matter how much I bundle up, the warmth diminishes day by day.
Today I wont cry tears of pain,
Although with you gone the sun does not shine the same due to the rain.
Today we celebrate the time we spent together,
Like they say good things don’t last forever.
Two years ago today you left me all alone,
However, today two years ago I celebrate you going HOME.

Common Ground

Most of us struggle all our lives to find peace. We pray day in and day out, yet at times it does not feel we are making progress. The pain becomes a part of you, and it feels as if you cant escape it. There are days you being to feel as if the pain is gone and you can finally move on, yet before you know it the pain has crept right back into your bed. To be honest with you I don’t know how to fight it or how to get rid of it. Everyone would tell you the easy answer which is to pray about it, but what if you have? Yet your still living this up and down life so to speak where you cant seem to find that common ground. That ground where you could finally feel as if you don’t have to feel the weight of the world on your back. Is that common ground death??

Trying to get it together,

Because I know this pain cant last forever.

Sometimes I feel God gets tired of hearing me cry,

I hope he understands that I’m barley getting by.

Staying on the right path trying to become a better man,

Yet sometimes I slip and I need him to lend me a hand.

I cant lie I feel lonely out here without my father,

I’m cold and uncomfortable without my mother.

Sometimes I question the love around me,

Is it real or is there something I cant see.

I’m making it now on my own,

Yet I cant help but think that when I’m done I will die alone.

The world throws its stones my way,

Sometimes I just wish God could take me where I lay.

The pain comes and goes and I’m up and down,

Everyday underneath this smile there is a painful frown.

I have become so numb that my heart beats slower,

My motivation to fight gets lower and lower.

If I could just get to common ground,

Where the wind blows and the trees sing yet without a sound.

My map to peace was wrong and now I am lost,

To be found...is a hell of a cost.

Motivation..One Step

I sprint to out run my past,

Because I know if I harp on it I won't last.

I become “detective” and search for my destiny,

Because whatever it is I want to give it the best of me.

I fight with nightmares and battle pain,

Because I refuse for my sun to shine less than the rain.

I murder failure and kidnap success,

Because beyond the money & fame I just want to be one of the best.

I create a plan to capture fame,

Because I want the people who laughed at me to one day chant my name.

I write to show you that I put everything on the line,

Because I still want to be “talking” when its finally my time.

I push away from the idea to quit,

Because I came to far to give up all this shit.

 I take opportunity by the throat and I become abusive

Because I know opportunity and greatness are conducive.

I drive the car of life with the intention to never fill it up,

Because I know when judgment day comes…my time will be up.

I swim in the sea of grief,

Because when I finally reach land… It will be the land of relief.

I fly though the agony of poverty,

Because once my wings finally reached the top I can sit in sanity.

I pray for my next breath,

Because way form prosperity…I just need one step.

You Lied To Me

You ever feel like everything you believed was a lie? I mean the things you were taught and the things you were raised off of were not 100% accurate. You come to find out that there are loop holes in all the practices you believed in. Loop holes that you had no clue about. Loop holes that could changed your perspective about life. Loop holes that could potentially tempt you to drop your beliefs and live by a new set of rules. What I am asking is, what if you were lied to??

You told me I just needed to live for today,
But “tomorrow please come”, is what I pray.
You told me you love me,
You keep neglecting me, aren’t we family?
You told me hard work would get me by,
I work my ass off yet I still see people passing me by.
You told me I could be whatever I wanted to be,
But society wants me to be something I know its not for me.
You told me we were equal,
But he gets treated better, is this the 1920’s sequel?
You told me money is not everything,
Yet from here people with the money control everything,
You told me education was key,
Yet it seems learning is not important, its just all about the money.
You told me being black was good,
But they discriminate against me and try to throw be back in the hood.
You told me my dreams would come true,
Its been a while now and I’m still stuck here with you.
You told me I had it in me to be a success,
Yet they laugh at me when I’m giving my best.
You told me if I hold on I could make it,
Well I’m holding on, yet I don’t think I’m going to make it.
You told me all of this because you said you had nothing to hide,
As I sit back and think about it…You Lied!

Champion

Day in and day out we try to survive. We try to become great to make our family and friends proud. Through all the battles with racism, greed, envy, despair, we still fight to become something of value. Now trust me I know it gets to the point where you want to give it all up because it can be too much to handle. Nevertheless, something within you propels you to keep going. Now we all may not be millionaires or famous, yet we all can be survivors. We all can be warriors. We all can be champions. That’s what is all bout. Its about winning and being a champion. Remember a million dollars does not make you a champion. A champion is a person who is presented with a deck of cards and he deals them how he sees fit. Ask yourself are you a champion?

Sweating profusely, breathing hard, legs weary,
This is killing me, my vision is becoming dreary.
I’ve come to far to turn back,
Hard work, determination, and the will to win are things I don’t lack.
All alone with just memories and a dream,
Now I realize everything is not what it seems.
“Come on baby don’t give up,”
Because I can remember a time when you did not want me to say what’s up.
“Let’s go Ian don’t let them bring you down,”
For the past two years I’ve been searching for answers about what went down..
“There is not room out here for the weak,”
You people treated me so cold my heart is harder than concrete.
“Stay on the grind. Patience is the key,”
Four years ago I tried to tell you my life was bad you did not listen to me.
“You cant stop, Rufus and Lynn need you to win,”
You people trashed my family’s name as if it wasn’t a sin.
“I know its hard but the great ones never quit,”
All of you told me you had my back yet you did not do shit.
I write to tell you how I feel,
This will be the closet to my mind you will ever get unless we cut a deal.
So here I stand,
I plant my pole here like this is my land.
Lost my 2 companions,
Now I stand amongst the champions.