Listen to My Pen

Eyes full of tears complaining about the hand I was dealt,
I feel like the dealer did not care how I felt.
Being young people try to convince me it will get better,
So with this painful pen, I will write pain a letter.
I’m going out of my mind,
Needing to focus on one thing instead of trying to juggle five.
Not fearing death as much as I fear chance,
If I don’t get a grip this could be my last chance.
So many people say they love you,
But when the agony sets in and your all alone what will those who love you do?
Praying my soul gets saved,
I’m losing my grip on this road my father paved.
God I miss my father,
I couldn’t tell you how bad I would like to hug my mother.
I’m losing my balance and cant keep going on,
I’m suppose to get a grip right? I need to hold on.
When fear takes over you seek comfort and the idea someone will be there,
Yet I feel the fear rising without the comfort and no one is here!
What is the remedy to the pain we endure,
Do I still have to suffer even if my heart is pure.
Tears have trouble falling because I refuse to let them appear,
So far gone, yet my past, I still feel it near.
Will my mother be proud, did she have to go,
Lord why couldn’t my father see me grow?

Help...

In my room all alone wishing I was somewhere far away,
Feeling the pain increasing each and every day.
I hit my knees in tears sending my prayers to the sky,
Feeling like they haven’t been answered, so I wander around in hell just to get by.
My soul cries out for a helping hand,
You can see it in my eyes that I’m falling apart as a young man.
No one to talk to so I converse with my reflection,
If you could see inside my soul you may change your perception.
Living like I have no where to go and my only turn is for the worst,
You may say my life is a gift and I will disagree and reply it’s a curse.
Staring out my window while this pen depicts my pain,
A lost mind needs to be found before it is dubbed sane.
Wishing I can leave all this behind,
Yet my past wont let me go and keeps polluting my mind.
Losing confidence in myself because maybe I’m not cut out for success,
But if I don’t make it, will family love me any less?
I’m going out of my mind trying find a way to cope,
And its depressing when talking to yourself seems to be the only way to cope.
Death begins to smell good at this table,
Life seems to be out of blessings so agony and death are the only two available.
I would ask for help but I rather you pray for me,
Look deep in my eyes and tell me what you see.
Do you see a young man who everyone seems to think is strong,
Or do you see a broken down soul that’s barley holding on.
God if you read this please take heed to my plea,
Help me before I become something I don’t want to be.

Beautiful Ugly

Would you still think highly of me if you found out my past,
Would you want to be my friend if you found out my friendships never last?
What would you think if you found out I suffer from depression,
Would you still think I was cool or would you change your perception?
What if I told you every time I let people get to know me they run away,
Would you stop to speak or keep walking and have nothing to say?
If I boast and brag to prove something to myself,
Would you keep me company or leave me by myself?
If I told you the pain has made me afraid of you,
Would you still hold me like you used to?
If I told you everything I have ever loved has been taken away from me,
Would you still want to get to know me?
If you knew at times I can be socially awkward which is why I lock myself in my room alone,
Could I ask you to hold my hand if I ever decided to go home?
If my insecurities begin to show and become real clear,
Would you runway or could I depend on you to help me fight my fear?
If I told you I was ready to die,
Would you pray that God makes a place for me in the sky.
My beautiful ugly is my reflection when you look into my eyes,
Would you tell me if it was ugly or tell me all lies?

Save Me...

Voices in my head lead me into the painful night,
My prayers get longer because I’m not living this short life right.
The pressure is getting to me,
I did not ask for this, this is not what I wanted to be.
Born into a world of sin and raised in a community of stress,
Its hard for others to understand your grief when they think your blessed.
Days go by and I still feel like I’m running in place,
Although they say life is not a competition, I‘m losing the race.
Surrounded by crowds of people, I feel all alone,
I’m calling a place home, where I don’t belong.
The hands of grief touch my soul and warm it with pain,
Now when you look into my eyes all you see is 24 years of stress and strain.
They keep telling me God will make it okay,
Until then this pen, pad, and these white walls are all I have to make it go away.
Everybody wants to give advice, but I don’t want to hear,
Friends and family want to console me but I don’t want them near.
I’m falling victim to my past,
Felling like my relationship with the most high may not last.
My knees are getting weak, my hands are losing grip on what we call life,
Happiness divorced me and now I sleep with strife.
I cry out to the sky, Do You Hear My Plea,
Please if you do…save me from me.

Destiny...??

Curled up in a corner wondering if it will ever end,
Trying to walk with God, yet I keep running into sin.
The thought of quitting becomes my bitter rival,
While the fight for peace of mind is my way of survival.
Dreams become bad memories,
Yet I battle the grief not for me but for my family.
I'm feeling so distant,
Scared to ask, but I could really use some assistance.
The pressure begins to build rapidly,
And I still cant seem to answer why me?
Worry turns into fear,
While I feel my time to leave is so near.
My past haunts my polluted mind,
And I’m still searching for something I will never find.
The rosary around my neck no longer gives me hope,
Dwelling on the pain seems my only remedy to cope.
All alone staring at the white ceilings,
Sometimes staring does nothing, but today it was a wonderful feeling.
Sleeping with pain and dreaming of hate,
I run to meet the blessings yet I always arrive late.
Although silent, my eyes speak scream loudly,
The dream of becoming at peace is becoming cloudy.
Blessed with the pain and cursed with the pressure,
Will my destiny be painful or pleasure?

Watching Me

Covered with the devil’s ink writes a holy message,
I tried calling on God but he did not pick up so I left a message.
In the mean time I play Russian roulette with failure and success,
While I fight off nightmares that my best wont separate me from the rest.
As depression begins to creep in,
I beg for forgiveness in a world of sin.
The words from the Good Book are no longer giving me peace of mind,
Life is not a race but I feel like I’m running out of time.
Headphones in my ears to drown out the voices in my head,
“One of those voices could be God talking”, is what the priest said.
As the idea of love beings to fade away,
Pain beings to increase deep into my soul day by day.
For help I reach to the sky,
Yet I come up empty and cant seem to know why.
Feeling like my prayers are landing on deaf ears,
Everyday I feel like an outcast amongst my own peers.
My tears fall into a ocean of pain
While the river of hope flows up my creek to help me maintain.
Although it gets harder to live without them,
I try to dine with peace amongst the mayhem.
All I would like is to hear my mother tell me she misses me,
And for my father tell me he is proud of me.
The point of peace I may not ever make,
But the comfort of knowing they are watching me, I will take.

What Will I Find

I wonder if I’m misunderstood,
Does my bad take away from my good?
I decided to drink to take away the pain,
When all I was thirsty for was a mind that was sane.
Voices in my head telling me to run away,
At confession, the priest looked me in my eyes and told me to pray the pain away.
My best friend walked out on me, and if he only knew I was his biggest fan.
The girl I liked stopped calling, I think she did not understand.
I’m losing touch with my family,
But they will understand right? They love me?!
Wonder what makes us want something that leaves us all alone,
Where you begin to think friendship doesn’t exist and everybody around you is gone.
Maybe its me who is the problem,
Maybe a nuisance is what I have become.
As I curl up alone in my room, my good memories begin to escape me fast,
Its like I’m running forward but cant seem to escape the past.
At night I hit my knees pleading for a better day,
I try to escape my crowded mind, all alone where I lay.
Still trying to search for that peace of mind,
Yet, I fear what I may find.

Goodbye

One day I felt something, if it was special I don’t know but I felt something,

The next day you switched it up and left me with nothing.

We were back and forth with the texting and calling,

You weren't, but I was falling.

In my own way I tried to show you I care,

The gifts were not to show off but to show you I thought we made a great pair.

The pain I had would subside when I talked to you,

But you began slipping away...what was I suppose to do?

Its like you weren't the same,

So I ask..were you serious or was this just a game?

Or maybe I fell for you to fast,

Maybe I hoped through it all we would last.

I mean you said you felt the same way,

Then why did you walk away!?

Were my jokes not funny,

Did I not have enough money?

Did you not have a good time?

Was I not interesting enough to stay on your mind?

I would be a lie if I said I don’t miss your face,

Our feelings were obviously not in the same place.

I hope in him you find what you didn’t see in me,

And you two turn out to be exactly what you wanted to be.

I guess what we had was all a lie,

So since you didn’t say it I will.. GOODBYE!