Painful Numbness

Contemplating on writing a letter to God,
Asking why at times his presence seems to be a façade.
Envying those who love and siding with those who hate,
My dark twisted mind ends up choosing the wrong fate.
Unfamiliar with the idea of love and friendship,
I rather you take heed to my words and ignore my lack of companionship.
Feared by those close to me due to my instability,
Although a vacant heart, I lack serenity.
Don’t want your advice or thoughts on how I should feel,
Cut by love, shot my infatuation, my wounds will never heal.
Tossing and turning at night prevents me from dreaming,
No longer mommy’s little angel, life has turned e into heavens demon.
Ignored and neglected when I stated my case,
Knock before you come in, because there are more than just skeletons in my place.
Would ask for forgiveness among you I may have rubbed the wrong way,
But apologizes are overvalued, and judgmental people have no right way.
I may not be a great role model for you son and daughter,
But I’m a great model of a son who idolized and cherished his mother and father.
Cold blood they were taken while warm hearts cried their goodbyes,
But goodbyes are overrated when you intentions are lies.

Talking to Yourself

Dealing with paranoia causes the mind to wander,
If your life feels like it's breaking down what thoughts will you ponder?
The priest always says God saves all,
But when He doesn’t answer fast enough, who do you call?
You sit alone at night clutching pillows thinking about how and why,
Death runs by your mind but your not quite ready to say goodbye.
Being judged by your peers makes you feel uneasy,
But they don't understand that what your going through is not easy.
You cry in the shower late at night to prevent from showing everyone your pain,
Yet it's getting harder and harder to hide your grief and maintain.
Days go by and you continue to get on your knees and pray,
All the while the anguish builds and your faith dwindles day by day.
Never one to fold during tough times,
Although now folding seems like the only thought in your mind.
Your loved ones seem to become more and more distant,
Not knowing the reason, you blame yourself and reject the thought of some assistance.
Trying to remember the days when things were good,
Holding on to those are crucial but only if you could hold on a little tighter you would.
Neglecting advice from those who are close to you,
Going against the grain doing what they said not to do.
So you wish upon a star for peace amongst insanity,
Blinded by the misery, you hope your wish grows eyes so you can finally see.
Confused on the difference between your nightmares and reality,
When staring at the sky, you ask... "are you proud of me"?

Before My Demise

Afraid to fall asleep due to the thoughts I obtain when my eyes close,
It almost feels I'm reaching for something that's so far away yet so close.
Betrayed by faith and tricked by destiny,
The course of life I took made me afraid of me.
Alone in church praying while my heart bleeds tears,
The priest prayed next to me saying God can conquer my fears.
Feels like I'm all alone,
No one to talk to, I’m in a place where I don’t belong.
Maybe I'm not strong enough to handle the hand I was dealt,
On March 10th it felt like sadness, maybe it was hate I felt.
Feels like God has forgotten bout me,
He wouldn't do this to me if he loved me.
You got to understand I'm just a lost souls unsure of his fate,
While trying to figure it out, I have been sleeping with pain beside me as of late.
What if my best is not good enough for you,
What if this is all I got and I have nothing else to do?
I lay for hours with all the lights off and just stare,
Wondering if the ones who say they love me really care.
I believe death sets a caged soul free,
While faith makes blind eyes see.
So I pray to free my caged soul and shine on my blinded eyes,
And hope he answers my prayer before my demise.

Make It Right

A soft soul buried beneath hate,

Is a soul unsure of it's fate.

I ponder late nights if my buried soul will ever be set free,

Used to dream but now I have nightmares of what I don't want to be.

Ambiguous thoughts turn into un-forgiven mistakes,

Grief and anguish is what these mistakes create.

My actions speak to my pain,

While my words speak to how I am able to maintain.

The soft voices of death creep into my mind,

Praying to be set free, wondering if these voices are my sign.

Lacking the love one would get from a mother,

I turn off the lights in my life and just sit and wonder.

Wonder if with her would I be a better man,

When in doubt, would my father tell me "yes I can".

A turn for the worst I took some time ago,

The priest said a strong faith is tested when it's at its low.

I would give it all up to wash the tears from my mothers eyes,

Now She's gone and I'm forced to believe the truth is all lies.

This one life they say you must cherish for it's your only one,

How could I face it when my only defense is to run.

I begin to abandon everything that was once dear to me,

Facing the mirror wondering if this is what I want to be.

Pray that I make it past tonight,

If I don't ,before I go, pray to make it right...

Familiar Stranger

Afraid to face the pain because when we clash it always seems to win,
I'm a Christian whose life is addicted to sin.
I'm constantly running from the black cloud,
I cant hear myself pray because the whispers in my head are getting too loud.
The thought of death lingers in my mind,
Because my nightmares are the norm, is it a sign I'm running out of time?
Lost loved ones has me curled up in this corner all alone,
I sit here exposing all my inner demons on paper before I'm gone.
My painful present and my dim future are haunted by my dark past,
Wondering if the relationship with God can withstand the test of time or will it fade fast.
As time ticks, I run faster away from what’s suppose to be my destiny,
How can I face and explain myself to the people I call my family.
I point life's gun to my head loaded with bullets of pain,
And I pull the trigger to a mind that no longer can maintain.
Since I don't have tears, I write my feelings down so my words cry,
Read closely and you will see my words will be my last goodbye.
Staring at the white walls blocks out the vision of my grave,
I hope my lack of faith will be something God forgave.
On my knees eyes full of failure and heart full of anger,
Will he hear my prayer for help or will he become a well known stranger?

R.I.P

Fearful of stating my problems aloud, I cry in the shower,
My pain gets more burdensome by the hour.
Buying mother's day gifts without a mother,
Trying to honor father's day without a father.
As I toss and turn in my sleep wishing it will go away,
As of late my fondest memory has been the day I’m finally taken away.
Look into my eyes tell me is it pain you see,
Could you tell this is not where I want to be?
My prayers turn into pleas for assistance,
Afraid of family members and loved ones so I keep my distance.
To those who love me I’m sorry,
This life has taken the best of me.
Walking a path where I have no idea the destination,
With hell's cologne, I wonder if the priest will allow me to pray amongst the congregation.
My refection is something I am ashamed of,
I run to the priest but he just tells me turn to the man above.
When everything you loved is taken why go on,
I can't be saved because my soul is so far gone.
Time is of the essence and I am running out of ways to seek peace,
Or maybe its useless, maybe peace is only given to those who are deceased.
May I Rest In Peace…